PENSION AFFAIRS a play by Volodymyr Serdiuk

 

 

PENSION AFFAIRS

           

A two-act play by Volodymyr Serdiuk

 

 

 

 

 

CHARACTERS:

 

CATHERINE – Earthy mother of two adults.

PALE YOUNG MAN – from another Planet.

DIPLOMAT – from another Country’s Embassy.

DRIVER – of a foreign Embassy.

TWO MEN IN SPACESUITS – scientists from Earth.

PENSIONER – local neighbor.

TRAMP – a local one.

SOLDIER – Catherine’s Son.

LAWYER – a local one.

ACADEMICIAN – from Earth also.

POLICE OFFICER – from the local Police.

KING – of another Country.

OVERSEAS MAN – from another Country.

SERVANTS and STUDENTS in reasonable quantity.

 

SETTING:

 

Ordinary apartment of standard setting. From the living room in the central part of the stage, something from the kitchen and bedroom is visible. In the corner of the stage are a semi-dark living room and a heavy front door.

 

 

ACT ONE.

 

 

SCENE ONE.

 

Catherine, a woman of indefinite age, now loaded with big shopping bags, enters.

 

CATHERINE. Huh, finally. That three-level damn elevator with its narrow doors! Yes, and we will not turn around here. Is this an apartment? Is this how a normal person should live? (Dreamily) This time someone lives somewhere, as if in a fairy tale…

 

Catherine lays out her purchases. Phone rings. 

 

CATHERINE. Hello. Nina? You are not Nina! Who is Nina? Nina is my Daughter! What year did I graduate from the University? God, I thought it was Nina! Stop joking with me. I do not remember what year I graduated from my University.

 

Catherine sits in a chair next to the phone, removes her slippers, and stretches her legs.

 

CATHERINE. Oh. How I shrieked, if anyone knows, just like if I released after some burden thrown off my shoulders.

 

Catherine massages her shrunken legs.

 

CATHERINE. There were times when my pretty one loved to massage these legs. Now I have to myself. They think that leg pain they can remove with patented creams. No way. It immediately became easier under his hands. Well, what is good to remember about something that has not been around for twenty years?

 

Phone rings.

 

CATHERINE. Hello? Nina? Yes, yes, of course, I took everything, and I bought diapers too. What? No, the milk is fresh. From a farmer. Green Natural Product. Sure, I have not forgotten. No, not yogurt, sure – kefir. Am I stupid?

 

Catherine sighs.

 

CATHERINE. When will you come back? (PAUSE.) Another two hours? Well, then I have enough time. (PAUSE.) Relax there. I will relax here. How is our baby there? Is it behaves well? (PAUSE.) Is it sleep? Did you change diapers? (PAUSE.) Yes, yes, dear…

 

Catherine sighs.

 

CATHERINE. Is not it too hot out there? Can you take off its hat? I do not recommend it.

 

Catherine sighs.

 

CATHERINE. You took it off already. Well, okay. Well, I will not tell you this again. Come back soon. (PAUSE.) Everyone has become so independent these days. Just do not say a word to them directly. What do they know about young children? They are still children. I am calm. I am calm. OK, my tasks for today are simple: to peel potatoes, to boil milk…

 

Doorbell rings.

 

CATHERINE. I am coming. Already coming! (PAUSE.) Who, the hell is bothering me such early, nevertheless? Who is there?

 

A man’s voice from behind the door answers. 

 

VOICE FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. It is I.

 

CATHERINE. Who?

 

VOICE FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. This is your neighbor. I live a floor above you.

 

CATHERINE. Which one? That hunter with his ugly dog, or the one who feeds the birds?

 

VOICE FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. The one that feeds the birds.

 

CATHERINE. Aha! Then I open it for you. Just a minute. What happened? There is no salt? It seems you enjoyed coming in with us. Oh, those bachelors, bachelors… They need to get married, and all their problems would disappear away.

 

VOICE FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. No, it is not about salt. Let me come in, please. This time they are chasing me. I lost all my strength and fell into despair.

 

CATHERINE. They are chasing you. I see. Oh! You must be joking, evidently. Well, come on in. Clean your boots. No, no. Not so fast, much more thoroughly.

 

***

 

 

 

SCENE TWO.

 

The same location, the same characters.

 

Door opens. There is a pale young man behind the door. Catherine lets him in. A young pale man enters. Young pale man is gasping, holding on to his heart, leaning against the wall.

 

CATHERINE. How clumsy you are. That is better to sit here.

 

Catherine slips him a chair. The young pale man sits down.

 

CATHERINE. Speaking openly I have been watching you personally for quite a long time…

 

Young pale man quite scared by Catherine’s words.

 

YOUNG MAN You follow me too!

 

CATHERINE. I like you.

 

Young man rounds his eyes. Catherine continues, not noticing his astonishment.

 

CATHERINE. You are calm. You love animals. You do not play loud music in the evenings. You do not drive all sorts of suspicious companies to your place. Let us say… I agree.

 

The young man is trying to get up.

 

CATHERINE. No, no, no!

 

Catherine presses his shoulders making him continue to sit.

 

CATHERINE (Continues). You do not think if single mother, then everything is lost. Mean, the character changed for the worse, there – it turned into evil. No, no, no. Our character is soft. There is only one child, besides very pretty one. You have seen her already. Let us combine the apartments and everything will be like among decent people. (PAUSE.) So. If you want to get married, then you just agree. Deal? (PAUSE.) That is it. I accept your hand and heart.

 

All this time during her monologue, the young man tries to explain something but cannot put it in a word. Finally, he asks.

 

YOUNG MAN. What about the age difference between us?

 

CATHERINE. What are you talking about. What nonsense! We will make a happy couple for the long years. I see no difference in how old happy lovers are. How old are you, for example?

 

(PAUSE.)

 

YOUNG MAN. The question is how old are you?

 

Catherine is surprised.

 

(PAUSE.)

 

CATHERINE. Me? Why me?.. A-ah… Then you thought… Oh, God! No! Not me. I was referring to my youngest daughter and her young child.

 

This explanation makes it a little easier for the young man, but not too much.

 

YOUNG MAN. You know, now, I guess. Not the time…

 

CATHERINE. Now is not the time you say? Well, then in two hours, when they will return from the hospital. Otherwise maybe in the evening. Is it okay?

 

Sounds of an explosion heard there on the floor above them. Boards fall and broken glass rings. The young man jerks nervously.

 

YOUNG MAN. They broke down the door to my apartment.

 

Sounds of the heavy stomping of feet at the top.

 

(PAUSE.)

 

CATHERINE. What is it?

 

YOUNG MAN. They follow me. They tracked down where I live, and now, they broke into my apartment. I cannot give up on them, because those halters will force stop such a wonderful experiment that has been going on for over two thousand years.

 

CATHERINE. How old are you?

 

YOUNG MAN. Seven hundred and fifty-three.

 

Catherine puts her hand on his forehead.

 

CATHERINE. Well… Then everything is fine. Will you drink something? Maybe milk? No, I have milk from a barrel I need to boil it first. That is at your discretion. Juice or coffee?

 

YOUNG MAN. Aspirin please and a glass of water. Is it possible?

 

CATHERINE. Sure. No problems. Just a minute.

 

Catherine goes to the kitchen. Goes out with glass of water.

 

 

Someone slams the entrance door to the apartment. Sounds of beats to the entrance door heard. Young man is pleading.

 

YOUNG MAN.  Do not open it!

 

Catherine gives him a glass of water and a large aspirin pill.

 

CATHERINE. Why not? I am in my own house. My House is my Castle. Home, sweet Home.

 

YOUNG MAN. I scary. Those are my pursuers! Hide me, and tell them that you have never seen or known me ever.

 

CATHERINE. What day is it today? Some thirty-second of June? Is it possible? The adventure began right in the morning… My friend Demyanivna found fault with conversations. There was no queue around the barrel of milk in the market. I did not lose my keys. The elevator worked properly, and now, what do I have – adventures! Hmm, why not? How long can you remain a respectable pensioner, Catherine? Let everything possible happen today. Are you ready? I am ready!

 

Sounds of tragic cords and brass. Short, unfortunately, but enough tragic.

 

Catherine hides the young man in the closet, closing the closet door to the key. After that, Catherine is heading towards the door.

 

Sounds of the slamming intensifies.

 

CATHERINE. Did you show up there? I am going! Who are you? I will call the police now.

 

However, she opens. Behind the door are two men in spacesuits that look very suspicious.

 

FIRST MAN IN SPACESUIT. Madame. An individual ran here…

 

The second person in spacesuit hits the first man in spacesuit with his elbow, interrupting.

 

SECOND PERSON IN SPACESUIT. Listen, have you met your neighbor from above today?

 

CATHERINE. Which one? Do you mean that hunter with his ugly dog or that calm one who feeds the birds?

 

Strange cosmonauts-looking persons move their eyes to each other.

 

FIRST PERSON IN SPACESUIT.  Is there another one? A couple?

 

CATHERINE. Believe me, there are plenty of them there!

 

Persons in spacesuits become interested. 

 

SECOND PERSON IN SPACESUIT.  Can you tell us what this hunter does?

 

CATHERINE. I can only imagine. He wanders somewhere in the woods with his ugly dog, imitates a swamp in the corridor, and drags home some suspicious bags.

 

Persons in spacesuits nod their heads to each other.

 

SPACESUITS. Definitely – that is he. Let us go!

CATHERINE. I am just curious as to why I do not hear “thank you.”

Persons in spacesuits stop and look back at her in surprise.

CATHERINE. (Continues.) As a result, “no” is a “no.” Goodbye. (PAUSE.) Repeat again: peel the potatoes, boil the milk. What about of making yourself two boiled eggs with mayonnaise, dear Catherine?

The young man’s voice heard from the closet. 

YOUNG MAN. Well, what is up?

CATHERINE. Ah, there you are. I will open it in a few moments.

Catherine searches for the key and opens the door. Looking into the closet Catherine suddenly shrank with a screech. The young man emerges from the closet. His hands and face turned all bright green.

CATHERINE. Is it you?

YOUNG MAN. I am. What happened?

CATHERINE. The strange color… Color.

Young man inspects his hands. He notices their unnatural color.

YOUNG MAN. I knew I must not drink aspirin. It helps but it also changes the blood formula. That is all. I am exposed. I have to admit this honestly. Mrs. Catherine, I… am not like the rest of them. I am not like other men.

CATHERINE (Sighing in relief.) Oh, just that! Frankly, I was already thinking about something terrible.

YOUNG MAN. Do you not care?

CATHERINE. Stop it. First, I like to watch men dance. Second, allergies could be the most unusual form. Third, you, young people, are now consuming these energizing beverages. I recently saw one man with a completely blue face! Please take note—I warned you—you need to get married because this often happens to bachelors.

The phone rings. Catherine picks up the phone.

CATHERINE (continues). What? What is my higher education diploma number? Listen, it is already starting to get boring. Do you conduct opinion polls there? No? You do not know me, and I do not know you. So why did you find fault with me? No. Once again, NO. I will not tell you the numbers on my diploma! Have a nice day!

Catherine speaks to herself.

CATHERINE. By the way, where is my diploma? I would have to look at it out of curiosity. Is it buried somewhere among other documents?

Doorbell rings.

YOUNG MAN.  I am scared. Look into the peephole first! Ask, “Who is there?”

Catherine looks into the door hole.

CATHERINE. Yes, one senior citizen. I know him. I often see him in our grocery store.

YOUNG MAN. What does he want?

CATHERINE. I do not know, but I guess he wants to come in.

YOUNG MAN. I will sit and pretend to watch TV. If something happens, I am your nephew. Is it okay?

CATHERINE. Yes, please.

***

 

 

 

SCENE THREE.

 

Pensioner enters.

PENSIONER. With all respect, madam, you do not know me…

CATHERINE. Why would not I know you? We shop at the same grocery store.

PENSIONER. That is why I came here! The day before yesterday, we were taking lemonade bottles. There I stood near you, remember?

CATHERINE. Yes.

PENSIONER. You and I took bottles from one box. I took one first, and then you took the other. Huh? Do you remember that?

CATHERINE. I remember. Are you daring to think I am completely stupid already at my age?

PENSIONER. Where is that bottle now?

CATHERINE. As I presume, you want to drink some lemonade. Unfortunately, we have already drunk it. I can offer you milk, though it is not yet been boiled. By the way, that is my nephew.

PENSIONER. Yes. It is nice to meet you. I do not need any lemonade. I need a bottle of it.

CATHERINE. An empty bottle?

PENSIONER. Yes, an empty bottle.

CATHERINE. Maybe you could also take away all our garbage.

PENSIONER. No. I will not take all the garbage from you. I only need the bottle of lemonade that you purchased the day before yesterday.

Catherine feels offended. 

CATHERINE If you do not take away all the garbage, why would I rummage through it, looking for that particular lemonade bottle.

PENSIONER. Then let us agree this way: you do not give me all the garbage, but all the empty bottles, okay? Bottles.

CATHERINE. That is another pair of shoes. Now I will bring all of them. I have a lot of them.

Young man mumbles still keep watching the TV screen.

YOUNG MAN. Do not do this.

Catherine is astonished.

CATHERINE What?

YOUNG MAN. Do not give him bottles.

CATHERINE. Why?

YOUNG MAN. I do not know, but something is wrong here. You must not give your empty bottles away.

CATHERINE. You are tense; I have long suspected that something is wrong here, but the person inquires. How much there he gets that pension of his.

Catherine returns to pensioner.

CATHERINE. I will not give you any bottles. Have a good day.

PENSIONER. I beg you. Lady, this is just nothing. Dirty, empty bottles. Why not?

Catherine hesitates.

CATHERINE. Yes. No way. Even when those bottles are dirty, they are mine. Why would I give you my empty bottles?

PENSIONER. I assure you that there will be a reward for this…

CATHERINE. Oh! Where and when?

PENSIONER. I do not know…

CATHERINE. I am not sure either. That is it. You should better tell me in my face why you need that bottle, and I will give it out to you right away.

PENSIONER. I am afraid…

CATHERINE. Are you shy? Let me try to understand this matter: if it were a glass container, you might try to hand it over in exchange for money. Foremost is that bottle is single-use and made of plastic. Second, damn, even glass bottles, are not accepted anywhere. You must go to a special location and insert it into a special machine. Openly: You started something illegal.

PENSIONER. This is my sin.

CATHERINE. Which sin?

PENSIONER. Excitement.

CATHERINE. You drink too much alcohol.

PENSIONER. I play lotteries.

CATHERINE. How does this concern me?

PENSIONER. On the bottle, there is a sticker with digits, according to which one may win a prize weekly. This time, it was not my number that won, but the next one. I hope it is in your bottle. That could be my happiness…

CATHERINE. Eccentric. Why did not you immediately say that?

PENSIONER. Who will give up their prize voluntarily?

Catherine takes out the bottle.

CATHERINE. I sneezed into my eye with all your children’s games.

PENSIONER. Do you ever play?

CATHERINE. Never. I do not believe that you can get anything in this life for nothing.

PENSIONER. What if there is a valuable prize?

CATHERINE. Take it away. When there is a valuable prize there, it is obviously a mistake. I am not so fortunate. You need it more. I have my children and grandchildren instead!

PENSIONER. Is it true?

CATHERINE. True.

PENSIONER. I wish you good luck…

CATHERINE. Check the numbers carefully. Maybe you will be lucky.

PENSIONER. I am sure there is a very valuable prize out there!

Pensioner presses the bottle against his chest.

PENSIONER. You will have consistent luck from now on. Everything around you will become better and better.

CATHERINE. Tell me about it! Nevertheless, thank you. Dismissed!

PENSIONER. My gratitude, like your kindness, has no limits.

CATHERINE. So, do not be annoying. Out! Free!

***

 

SCENE FOUR.

 

Sounds of phone calls. Catherine picks up the phone.

CATHERINE. What? You do not need my diploma number any more. Perhaps you could tell me that number. As well as the year of my university graduation. Aha, what do you need this time? The theme of my thesis? … You probably do not have much to do out there, dear. While my own lunch has not yet been cooked. In general, I’m making it through the Day of Adventures – the milk hasn’t been boiled yet, and the potato hasn’t been pilled. I cannot afford to make eggs under mayonnaise for myself!

Sounds of doorbell. Young man is terrified much more.

YOUNG MAN. Then again, they are here!

Catherine looks into the peephole.

CATHERINE No. It is not them. There is a decent-looking sir in a funny bow tie.

Catherine opens the door. A decently looking Gentleman in a bow tie enters. This is a foreign diplomat.

DIPLOMAT. Did you buy diapers today?

CATHERINE. It would be strange if I did not buy them today.

DIPLOMAT. What a happiness!

CATHERINE. Happiness? You have evidently seen little happiness in your life. You just cannot imagine what this happiness is.

DIPLOMAT. There were no blue packages anymore.

CATHERINE. Yep. There were no blue ones. Finish, I guess.

DIPLOMAT. The only one left in my hands.

CATHERINE. Remained.

DIPLOMAT. You silently took it from my hands and threw it into your cart, right?

CATHERINE. Well, I do not know why those diapers are so dear to you. Think about it, one package! Moreover, I paid for it at the checkout. I did not steal it. Commonly, I was in a hurry, so I had to take that package from you quick and quietly.

DIPLOMAT. Before that, you dropped the cordial medicine in an orange package. Although it is not the point.

CATHERINE. What?  Do I have to apologize now before you?

DIPLOMAT. Yes. The fact is that you must not touch that package!

Diplomat looks around him. 

DIPLOMAT. Is that your entrance locked secure?

Catherine checks the locks and door chain proving.

CATHERINE. Yep.

Diplomat takes out some kind of certificate, passes it to Catherine.

DIPLOMAT. Since you did it, silently, quickly, and imperceptibly, I was sure you were the right person I was waiting to meet for the exchange. That package was supposed to be picked up by an unknown man with heart pills in an orange cover in his hand. May I introduce myself? I am a diplomat from one of the countries friendly to your state.

Catherine hesitates.

CATHERINE. Exactly friendly?

DIPLOMAT. Exactly.

CATHERINE. Finally, you are not a foreign spy, I mean.

DIPLOMAT. Yes. I am not a spy. I am just an ordinary diplomat.

CATHERINE. I see. Is this how you usually exchange diapers?

DIPLOMAT. Not always, but today it was planned to do just that. Unfortunately, that fool was late, and you took the diapers instead of him. I left the place of exchange, because I considered the task completed.

CATHERINE. So what now?

Diplomat still doubts.

DIPLOMAT. Well… I do not know. This is, in fact, a state secret…

CATHERINE. You are on the territory of my state. Let it be a secret to anyone, but not to me. I should know what is happening on the territory of my country, even in my supermarket and with my diapers!

DIPLOMAT. Oh! I am desperate! That could be a lick.

CATHERINE. Who is going to lick?

DIPLOMAT. You, supposedly.

CATHERINE. CATHERINE. Without me, you will be lost. Believe me I do know what a serious lick is.

DIPLOMAT.  Now I can do nothing, I have to tell: there was a plan for a secret protocol, which another – third state—planned to sign with the fourth after our government, in the presence of our representatives, would have signed an agreement with that country, in this case with the second one. I am worried, I am sorry. Our King will have to sign treaties with your Prime Minister. Can you imagine that?

Catherine’s voice still sounds with metallic force.

CATHERINE. Why not with our current president?

DIPLOMAT. Because he is on a business trip, he is on the territory of just the third state.

CATHERINE. A-ah…

DIPLOMAT. In general, your Prime Minister will sign with our Prime Minister, but our King will be present, and when this trump card is not in our hands and failure happens, the fourth state will be able to blackmail both yours and our governments, dictating their unjust conditions to us. Then I am done. My career will be over.

Diplomat’s voice tremble during his speech.

CATHERINE. I can imagine how poorly your wife will behave when you find yourself retired. A former diplomat… Convey my condolences to her. Because I know what it’s like to raise children without a husband.

DIPLOMAT. Thank you. We have such cruel laws, as you probably know.

CATHERINE. Calm down. Maybe you would like some coffee. It still needs to be prepared, though. By the way, you could soften your laws there when you are already such a Big Man. Now you do see how many people suffer of?

DIPLOMAT. Now, I imagine I will certainly do this. If I stay alive.

CATHERINE. What barbarism. Cancel the death penalty first!

DIPLOMAT. You are right the death penalty is a kind of savagery

It dissolves the “butterfly tie” man, turning him into a normal diplomat.

DIPLOMAT. Now this is especially obvious, without any reservations. No, anything, just not the death penalty! If the package is here, everything is fine; I will take away the protocol, and the third state will not be able to blackmail us with you, the treaties be signed and I will remain alive.

CATHERINE. Please sit down.

DIPLOMAT. Is everything that bad?

CATHERINE. On the territory of our democratic state, you will always remain alive, this I guarantee you. Nevertheless…. So far, just do not worry—it is impossible to get that package. It is with my daughter, who walks with her baby. That is, they went to the doctor, and after all, you know my daughter, since she goes to the doctor, they can walk, and since she has a walk, you can travel around the world.

Diplomat begins to break his hands impatiently.

DIPLOMAT. Where? Where? When?

CATHERINE. You and I are not on any television game! Do not worry, in two hours, they will be back.

Diplomat falls into despair. 

DIPLOMAT. It will be too late! What shall I do? What we all could do?

Catherine soothing.

CATHERINE. Oh, but it is okay, my daughter calls me from time to time. When she calls again, I will give her specific instructions on your diapers, aka the protocols.

DIPLOMAT. I am desperate!

CATHERINE. Calm down. Maybe you really need coffee. I will go to the kitchen.

DIPLOMAT. No, no! You sit by the phone. I will go to the kitchen. I presume. Yet, I do not know how to steam coffee. Let me call my chauffeur. Let him do it to us.

CATHERINE. My God, let him come in. Let them all come in. (PAUSE.) What day is this today? Who will tell me?

***

 

SCENE FIVE.

Door opens. A chauffeur enters. Chauffeur is in a uniformed cartwheel. Chauffeur bows politely, goes to the kitchen, and makes coffee there. Catherine addresses to the diplomat.

CATHERINE Meet that young man. By the way, he is my nephew. Do not pay much attention to him. He is generally so quiet with us, always loves to watch TV.

The diplomat and the green young man shake hands with each other, sit down next to each other, trying to look at the screen of the TV receiver.

DIPLOMAT. So who wins?

YOUNG MAN. It seems like a soap opera.

DIPLOMAT. Ah, so multi-partite.

YOUNG MAN. Something like that.

DIPLOMAT. Nevertheless, someone still wins there.

YOUNG MAN. Apparently, those who produce soap.

Sounds of phone rings. Catherine answers the phone.

CATHERINE Nina? Not Nina? This is you again! Do not call me! What about the person who oversaw my thesis? None of your business. Some genuine misfortune!

Catherine indignantly hangs the receiver.

CATHERINE (Continues.) Maybe I should check my university diploma. Just to be sure. To recall my youth…

Catherine is addressing all who are present in her room.

CATHERINE. Dears, you do not pay attention to me, please.

From the kitchen comes chauffeur with a tray, coffee pot, and cups. Chauffeur treats everyone to coffee, takes off his uniform captain cap and sits down joining the company of green young man and diplomat watching TV.

Catherine opens buffet starting to rummage among old documents and photographs.

CATHERINE (Continues). Memories… My mothballed past. At this photo, I am a charming girl in a white apron Next is – a happy young lady in a white Violette, a cheerful scientific worker in a white coat… Is that all of me?

Sound of violin strings disturbed abruptly.

CATHERINE (Continues). Has this all happened, and will it never happen again? What a pity. If you look at these photographs, it was never raining there. No, look here I am standing under the pain tree, on the white snow, and, anyway, the weather is sunny, so I smile cheerfully.

Sounds of a distant song.

CATHERINE (Continues). What a strange, strange life… Movement in one steering wheel. The weather is still sunny, and I smile cheerfully. Here is a photo of my husband, who never turned into a respectable man. Here is my daughter. They are all smiling. What happened to my face? Smile disappeared from it, and an expression of intense anticipation appeared instead. What was I expecting? It seems like nothing good. I only knew I was worried about something else: my daughter’s pneumonia, my husband’s car smashed in an accident, unpaid apartment, and so on and so on. Quiet simple happiness.

***

 

 

SCENE SIX.

 

Sounds of daily TV-news block on the background. Green Young Man and Diplomat approaches Catherine.

 

DIPLOMAT. Excuse us, madam.

 

GREEN YOUNG MAN. Madam, they just show you on TV!

CATHERINE. Really? Me? Why?

GREEN YOUNG MAN. Mister Diplomat may approve my words.

DIPLOMAT. Yes. They just told about you.

CATHERINE. On which point?

GREEN YOUNG MAN. In the news.

CATHERINE. Our City news?

DIPLOMAT. That is right. Showed part with your participation. They spoke of yesterday’s events.

CATHERINE. Come on!

DIPLOMAT. They say you saved a big sum of money being lost.

CATHERINE. Can you imagine me dealing with money?

GREEN YOUNG MAN. Frankly, not.

DIPLOMAT. They say huge money.

CATHERINE. So what?

DIPLOMAT. Huge sum of money has its own charm. It may hypnotize some people.

CATHERINE. You, for example?

DIPLOMAT. No. Not me while I am under threat of capital punishment in my country.

CATHERINE. Once again, I repeat you: I assure you I have not even seen any money recently.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. We all saw you were answering questions reporters asked you at the bus station. Were you not dealing with reporters?

CATHERINE. Oh, that event!

DIPLOMAT. This were you.

CATHERINE. Yes, there was I. Still, not any money.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. TV showed a diplomat-case you saved.

DIPLOMAT. Diplomat-case.

CATHERINE. You right, that case was similar to a money-case smugglers use to button to their hands.

DIPLOMAT. Did not they explain you what was in that case?

CATHERINE. Who could explain me that?

GREEN YOUNG MAN. The reporters.

CATHERINE. Reporters did not know what is inside. I, then police we came first – we did not know about money.

DIPLOMAT. Then why all of them were in panic on TV?

CATHERINE. I was sure there was a bomb!

GREEN YOUNG MAN. My Goodness!

DIPLOMAT. Did you found a bomb?

CATHERINE. I found a brief case.

DIPLOMAT. Where?

CATHERINE. There on that bus stop. How many times I need to repeat my story.

DIPLOMAT. Sorry, madam. First of all something draw your attention to that bus stop.

CATHERINE. Of course! The brief case standing alone on the bench while the bus #305 ran away!

DIPLOMAT. Noticing that brief case, from the first sight you came to conclusion…

CATHERINE. That there is a bomb!

GREEN YOUNG MAN. You are my hero!

CATHERINE. Why?

GREEN YOUNG MAN. You did not run away screaming!

CATHERINE. Oh dear, I saw such many strange things in my life that I quit screaming long ago.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. Means, you saw things much worse than that bomb in the Bus Station.

CATHERINE. Much worse, I assure you.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. That is why you decided not to scream seeing lost brief case.

DIPLOMAT. You decided not to run away!

CATHERINE. I decided to guard that brief case, first, and call the police, second.

DIPLOMAT. Where there some persons from which you needed to guard that brief case?

CATHERINE. Sure there were. There were even two of them coming one after another.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. Two of them! One of them could be a terrorist!

DIPLOMAT. The other one could be the owner of the brief case.

CATHERINE. Oh, God!

DIPLOMAT. Or, maybe not.

CATHERINE. Do not even tell me about this, please. I was not hesitating then and I am still feel I did everything right now.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. What did you do when they were approaching closer to you?

CATHERINE. I know Kung Fu.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. Unbelievable! Can you show us? I mean what did you to spook them.

CATHERINE. One of them ran when I warned him: “Police is already coming”. The other one ran away after my Kung Fu.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. Teach me, please, to do so!

CATHERINE. Stand still.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. All right.

CATHERINE. Inhale deep.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. Okay.

CATHERINE. Yell KUNG!

GREEN YOUNG MAN. Kung.

CATHERINE. When he ran away from you, exhale easily: FU-u-u-u.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. You are joking, am I right?

DIPLOMAT. Evidently. What happened next?

CATHERINE. Police came. Reporters came. I pointed to the brief case. They say thank you. Put down my name. Got pictures with me. Then I went home.

DIPLOMAT. One of reporters asked you if the owner wants to thank you, what you wish.

CATHERINE. What did I answer?

DIPLOMAT. You responded: “Let him call the Ministry of Defense. My boy needs rotation from the front line long ago. I wish he rest at home at least a week.”

CATHERINE. Impossible. Did I say that?

GREEN YOUNG MAN. This filmed.

CATHERINE. I could not say that. That were some kind of sporadic words.

DIPLOMAT. All wishes are sporadic.

CATHERINE. Really?

DIPLOMAT. I do not know for sure. I never expressed my wishes.

CATHERINE. You should better express them.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. The story continues. You do not know what they decide, yet.

CATHERINE. What?

DIPLOMAT. That money belonged to a big charity foundation.

CATHERINE. As far as for now I cannot guess my connection to the story.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. They decided to put your face at their banners.

CATHERINE. My face? Do you see me clearly?

YOUNG GREEN MAN. They could do you fashion make-up.

CATHERINE. Look at the mirror, young man.

YOUNG GREEN MAN. I am sorry, madam. I forgot we both have the same problem.

CATHERINE. Quit drinking Aspirin.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. I will. I promise.

***

 

 

 

SCENE SIX.

Sounds of the doorbell rings. Catherine opens the door. There are the same two cosmic looking people in their spacesuits stand outside the door. Spacesuits speak insistently.

SPACESUITS. Lady. We are sorry, but we are back. Everything else was a mistake. Your hunter neighbor is the most ordinary man on this street.

CATHERINE. I am very glad. Why do you regret that at least one of them turned out to be a normal citizen? Between us, he very much looks like a bandit and a murderer. From now on, I will live more easily.

SPACESUITS. The point is not that, madam. In fact, it seems that the other one that we are looking for is in your apartment now.

CATHERINE. So what?

SPACESUITS. We have a strict order to take him away.

CATHERINE. First, you still have to find him.

SPACESUITS. To do this, we will go into your apartment and search it.

CATHERINE. No, you will not come in. I am not ready. I have not cleaned up enough and, in general, you cannot do it!

(PAUSE.)

Spacesuits in choir. 

SPACESUITS. Why? Why?

CATHERINE. Because we have extraterritoriality here plus diplomatic immunity and heavily armed guard.

Catherine addresses to Diplomat.

CATHERINE. Does your driver have a gun, Mr. Diplomat?

Diplomat nods approvingly. Diplomat stands up, and shows his id to the Men in Spacesuits. Spacesuits seem not to be much impressed. First man is spacesuit coughs the way gangsters do before they shoot from their pistols with silencers. The smashing Driver squirms behind diplomat, stroking jacket meaningfully.

FIRST MAN IN SPACSUIT. Sorry.

SECOND MAN IN SPACESUIT. Sorry.

Spacesuits look over the door and pronounce words interrupting each other in a scary manner addressing Catherine.

FIRST MAN IN SPACESUIT. We will be back.

SECOND MAN IN SPACESUIT. We will be back again.

Catherine bravely answers to spacesuits.

CATHERINE. Come again. I am almost used to you. Yet now go find yourself somebody else.

Catherine smiles to those who present in the room.

CATHERINE. You can continue to drink coffee. My home is my fortress.

Catherine returns to search among her documents.

CATHERINE. Well, I found it. Everything is fine including the graduation year and diploma number. Why did they squat?

Catherine opens the wardrobe.

CATHERINE. Young man? How are you there?

Catherine walks to the front of the scene with green young man.

CATHERINE (Continues). That is what I wanted to ask you, because I already said that, as a suitor, you suit us. Yet, I hope the problem is not that you…

Catherine hesitates a bit.

CATHERINE. You are, unlike that neighbor with his nasty dog, well… Although, in the end, he turned out to be a respectable citizen. I mean, is the problem with not getting married your color?

The young man seems do not understand her.

CATHERINE. Are not they blue, pink, fun, gay, whatever?

Ugly pause. Catherine and green young man consider each other.

YOUNG MAN. No, I am not blue. That is not a problem. I am green.

Catherine nods approvingly.

CATHERINE I believe, yes. Then, everything is great. Everything is fine.

***

 

 

SCENE SEVEN.

 

Sounds of doorbell. Driver looks at peephole.

DRIVER. There is some soldier out there.

Driver addresses to Diplomat.

DRIVER. Do we count for the army in the Operation?

DDIPLOMAT. No. Not at all. Which country is the soldier? Ours?

DRIVER. Badges shows he is the soldier of the local Army.

DIPLOMAT. Local?

DRIVER. The Army of the Country where we stay now.

CATHERINE. Which soldier? What are you talking there about?

DRIVER. That one standing before your doors. He is in the field uniform.

Catherine shouts gaily.

CATHERINE. Son! This is my son!

Catherine runs up to the door, sharply opens it.

CATHERINE. My dear, you are here!

SOLDIER. May I come in?

CATHERINE. This is your home. Come in.

SOLDIER. At last. I can take off my knapsack and my boots. I need to sleep, mom.

CATHERINE. Go to your room, boy. There is everything untouched. All the way you like it. Go. No, sit here. I will unlace your boots.

SOLDIER. That minute I sleep. Ok?

CATHERINE. Ok, boy. Do they feed you well there?

SOLDIER. Good.

CATHERINE. Meat?

SOLDIER. Much meat.

CATHERINE. Vegetable?

SOLDIER. Cabbages.

CATHERINE. Cabbages?

SOLDIER. Beans. Carrot. Onion. I am going to bed, mom.

CATHERINE. Were you at the front lines, son?

SOLDIER. No. Hospital. Guard.

CATHERINE. You have another big scar on your forehead!

SOLDIER. That is why they sent me to the hospital.

CATHERINE. Are you all right now?

SOLDIER. They sewed me well.

CATHERINE. Oh, my God.

SOLDIER. God is my Guardian. He fulfils his duty. Perfect. I will sleep next day and night. Ok?

CATHERINE. Yes, dear. No one will bother you.

Soldier heavily lay to bed.

CATHERINE. May I untie your shoelaces, yes son?

SOLDIER. No, mom.

CATHERINE. Why not?

SOLDIER. Boys will make fun of me. I must not give them a reason to lough.

CATHERINE. A week vacation?

SOLDIER. Yes. How do you know?

CATHERINE. I am your mother. Sleep well, my dear.

Soldier mumbles being almost asleep.

SOLDIER. Colonel yelled at me.

CATHERINE. Because of what?

SOLDIER. Because of you.

CATHERINE. What was the reason?

SOLDIER. He yelled. This your mother. A brave woman. I would marry her. After the war…

CATHERINE. Colonels. I know them. They like resolution and readiness in women.

Catherine goes to the central room.

DIPLOMAT. Congratulations. Your son came home.

CATHERINE. Just for another week.

DRIVER. How do you know?

CATHERINE. I asked them. The Minister of Defense personally.

DIPLOMAT. When?

CATHERINE. When journalists established a TV-bridge to connect me with the owner of that lost bag.

DRIVER. How it was?

CATHERINE. He promised to do whatever I wish. I asked him to ask the Minister of Defense to bring my boy home at least for a week.

DIPLOMAT. You are a very brave woman.

CATHERINE. You are right. You do not even imagine what I am able to do to protect my boy.

DRIVER. He deserved a good sleep.

CATHERINE. We return to reality. What do we have next?

DIPLOMAT. Operation continue.

CATHERINE. Let us do it.

***

 

 

 

SCENE EIGHT.

Sounds of the doorbell tolls.

CATHERINE. Who is there?

A voice from behind the door answers.

ACADEMITION. This is a representative from the Academy of Sciences.

CATHERINE. Then you are the one who wants my diploma! Well, come in. Come in.

Enters an excited Academician with half a dozen his assistants.

ACADEMICIAN. We are not interested in your diploma. We would like to know if your first husband was an alcoholic.

The pause is rather awkward. Then Catherine answers stressing.

CATHERINE. My only husband, please. Did you not know? Would I break up with a normal man? He was not just a drunkard but like a hopeless drunkard. True, I have lost him, for twenty years now, and I do not know where he is. Do you have any interesting suggestions?

Catherine examines Academician almost aggressively. Academician behaves if nothing happens.

ACADEMICIAN. We are here for another reason.

CATHERINE. Not matrimonial, I believe.

ACADEMICIAN. No, not matrimonial.

Catherine smiles in Academician’s face.

CATHERINE. Damn…

ACADEMICIAN. How long have you been renovating your apartment? For the last time?

CATHERINE. Oh, repair is my old dream! Frankly, we carried out a small repair quite recently and very successfully.

Academician bits his head with both his fists. Then academician press his fists to his heart. Seems he is near to lose his temper.

ACADEMICIAN. It cannot be! You what! How dare you are!

CATHERINE. You must not worry. Go see for yourself, the kitchen is like a new one.

Academician sighs in relief.

ACADEMICIAN. It is only in the kitchen!

CATHERINE. Of course, in the kitchen. The first thing that is most important. To renovate the rest of the flat, my finances would not be enough.

ACADEMICIAN. Oh! Then everything is fine! Did you know that this house is a historic site?

Catherine is rather surprised and she is not able to cover this.

CATHERINE. Well, you say that.

Academician seem to be very delighted.

ACADEMICIAN. Yes! Your apartment protected by law! We are the official art expedition, and I am its leader, Professor Khrushch. Here is our permission to conduct searches in your apartment. Where is the bedroom located? There?

CATHERINE. There.

ACADEMICIAN. In what condition is the bedroom? Is there plaster or wallpaper on the walls?

CATHERINE. Wallpapers. As ugly as my life is. I want to replace those cemetery flowers with something more lovely.

ACADEMICIAN. God forbid! Do not touch anything!

Academician rises his hands. Catherine opens her mouth.

ACADEMICIAN (Continue.). So at the beginning: we have a specific plan. We will not bother anyone if we can only tear off the wallpaper where we need it. When we find what we are looking for we will have another conversation with you. If nothing happens, we will simply stick back the “wallpaper,” as you call them.

Catherine keeps silent. Academician tries to draw her attention.

ACADEMICIAN. We all will do it with the help of my students and specialist restorers.

Assistants joyfully wave their hands in greeting.

ACADEMICIAN. They will recreate everything for you as it was here before the excavations. The government agrees to repair your entire apartment after all.

CATHERINE. Then there are no objections. Here is the bedroom, do whatever you want. In general, we are resting. We either watch TV, drink coffee, or — I am not sure what — we play video games or something.

The scientific and artistic expedition goes to the bedroom and begins its mysterious work there.

CATHERINE. What time is it now? My daughter will be back soon, and I still have nothing ready. It does not look like me that way. I do not know exactly what is going on today.

DIPLOMAT. By the way, where do you think she is now?

CATHERINE. One cannot predict this. For us remains only to wait for her call. Be patient, do you have experience in such matters?

Diplomat nods his head sadly approving what she just said.

DIPLOMAT. Yep. Diplomacy is the art of waiting.

CATHERINE. It is also the art of smiling. Is not it?

Catherine smiles at Diplomat. Diplomat smiles forcefully in response.

CATHERINE (Continues). You see, everything will be all right, calm down.

***

 

 

 

SCENE NINE.

Police officer enters. He coughs trying to attract attention to his appearance.

POLICEMAN. It was open there. I generally knocked, but I do not know… Did you hear my knocks? How are you here? Is everything normal?

Catherine continue smiling to diplomat now smiles to Policeman the same way. 

CATHERINE. Everything is fine with us. That neighbor-hunter with his ugly dog turned out to be a respectable citizen. This young man is not blue. The Academy of Sciences will make repairs to me. The driver of the diplomatic mission makes great coffee. Join us, please. We are doing well here. Do you have any problems today, dear Police Officer?

Policeman is smiling fascinatedly.

POLICEMAN. I would not call it a problem. Rather a routine affair. This happens dozens of times a day, you know.

CATHERINE. Yes, this day seem to be a real strange. Then what is it?

POLICEMAN. We have detained a suspicious undocumented drunkard and are trying to find out his identity. Also, this drunkard, forgive me madam, insists that you can attest to his identity.

CATHERINE. Me? The last time I got drunk at my own daughter’s wedding, just even then only when all the guests got along. That was my friend Demyanivna who pushed me do this: “You need to relieve your stress. You need to relieve your stress…” Is joy stressful?

Policeman nods affirmative.

POLICEMAN. Yes, madam, stress is. The joy itself is a very heavy variety of stress.

CATHERINE. Who could only imagine. Joy?

Diplomat, Driver and Green Young Man also nod, agreeing.

CATHERINE. Come on. I did not know. I always considered Demyanivna fool, and she did advise me something for good. There I was.

POLICEMAN. What?

CATHERINE. That is when I got drunk the last time. Since then, I have not dealt with drunkards anymore.

POLICEMAN. It may be so, madam. We would not have bothered you if it were not for this trifle, well, that is – there is a need to certify the person.

CATHERINE. Whose? I doubt if I can help you. I always could not stand drunkards.

POLICEMAN. We told him, but he insisted. As a proof, he asked to show you this wedding ring. He said you could recognize it. When you recognize it, you will be able to confirm his name.

Catherine picks up engagement ring, sits in a chair.

CATHERINE. God… That is it. Twenty years, neither hearing nor seeing…

POLICEMAN. Who is he?

Catherine sighs.

(PAUSE.)

CATHERINE. This ring belonged to my lost husband. This happen you get married in your youth, love each other, both. The head spins with happiness, and then it turns out that this man is not at all suits for married life. That he has the wind in his head, and he as a child, will remain child forever. Romantic and traveler…

(PAUSE)

CATHERINE. Tell me at least, what does he look like now?

POLICEMAN. Frankly, he looks not very nice.

CATHERINE. I thought so. As I presumed. What could I do? My mother and his relatives advised him: “Don’t drink.” Who knows, maybe he could be a real man still he disappeared. What do you say he turned into a tramp? Neither documents, nor name?

POLICEMAN. Exactly. He has neither housing nor work. When this person is the one we both mean. Few years ago he was in prison in a nearby city for petty theft and was serving his sentence. Well, you know: such people have nowhere to return, because they already have neither a family nor a shelter. This way they cannot start on nothing again.

CATHERINE. Trouble… So why does not anyone make some measures?

POLICEMAN. Because no one cares. You know, as if women refuse them, so who will tolerate them? No employer will. Unless some monk is in the monastery. That is why they drink again. Monasteries do not need them either. Let me take this engagement ring back. The material proof, you know.

Catherine seem not listen to the Policeman. Then she jerks as if waking up.

CATHERINE Yes, yes, please. This thing belongs to him. I gave it to him a long time ago. Plus, you see here inside my name is written.

POLICEMAN. Then, goodbye. Sorry for interrupting.

CATHERINE. I think he could not go down like that. He was a smart and talented guy. Maybe it is someone else. Another person found our engagement ring and now impersonates him?

POLICEMAN. Very possible. Let us do this: in half an hour. I will bring him here and you will recognize him personally, for protocol, consent?

CATHERINE. This way it will be more reliable. Yet, when it turns out not to be he! Wow, I will show him! Dare to wear my engagement ring! Steal my name! He will know then!

POLICEMAN. This happens, when they want to drink, they sell everything they have. So, in half an hour?

CATHERINE. I will wait.

***

 

 

SCENE TEN.

Sounds of phone rings. Diplomat runs up to the apparatus, takes it and immediately hands over the phone to Catherine.

CATHERINE.  Hello. What? Have you checked everyone and it turns out that it is I? I do not understand anything. One of us must went crazy. Someone lost senses. Who are you looking for? Well, yes, that is my degree number. Yes, it was that year that I received this diploma. So what?

(PAUSE.)

CATHERINE.  Who was the head of my thesis? I remember, of course. The name of the graduation project? Oh, that is the problem. Can you come to my address and find out everything right here on the spot?

(PAUSE.)

CATHERINE.  I do not know. I am already losing control of events.

In the bedroom there, something roars loudly collapsing.

CATHERINE (Continues). Finally, you may come. I have everything upside down here today. You cannot hurt me anymore.

Catherine hangs up the phone. This time diplomat nervously talks to his command half voice using his mobile phone. Chauffeur and green young man drink coffee and watch TV. In the bedroom restorers continue to hit something with their hammers. Catherine looks around it all, and sighs deeply.

CATHERINE. Madhouse. Well, even though I am glad my mother does not see all this mess.

***

 

 

SCENE ELEVEN.

The same scenery. Same ibid. Phone calls.

Sounds a phone ring. Catherine picks up the phone. 

CATHERINE. Nina, is that you? I already thought you would not call at all. What a lazy habit you have not to call for so long. Where are you now? In the park? Have our baby little sleep? How did it eat? Yes… Did it belch after that? Yes… Necessarily! What about diapers?

Diplomat quietly rages alongside Catherine.

DIPLOMAT. D-I-A-P-E-R-S…

Catherine addresses to Diplomat.

CATHERINE. Be patient. How incontinent you are.

Catherine returns to the phone.

CATHERINE Daughter, did not you throw the package away?

Diplomat grabs his head with his two hands.

DIPLOMAT. In… k-s… zero?… !!! …

CATHERINE. What is up with me? … Everything is fine. Does the voice sound somehow nervous? No, my dear, no way! I am having a great time here. … Potatoes? No, I have not cleaned it yet. Oh, yes, I will have my time, do not you worry. What about milk… Yes, everything will be fine. There will be a small request for you… What? Baby wakes up. Do not hang up, dear.

DIPLOMAT. What? What?

CATHERINE. The connection interrupted. The child woke up. That is the thing. Still, we know where they are now.

DIPLOMAT. Will they be able to come here some… More… Quickly?

CATHERINE. That is it. The child needs to sleep in the fresh air every day! Why would they interrupt their daily routine for the sake of some whim of officials?

DIPLOMAT. I give up and refuse to work. I will resign tomorrow. No, I will shoot myself. I would rather shoot myself… In my heart… In my head… In my mouth? Horror! I do not want to shoot myself!

CATHERINE. Stop telling nonsenses. If you cannot manage the operation, trust me then with all management. Clean the table!

Everyone silently follows Catherine’s order.

CATHERINE (Continues). Spread the maps.

All obey.

CATHERINE (Continues). Report on the timetable of your Prime Minister and our King. No, on the contrary – your King and our Prime Minister! What’ is wrong with me? We have republic here!

DIPLOMAT. How? How? How can you, an ordinary housewife who does not even know the political structure of her country, how can you resolve an international conflict? This is the end! Scandal, rising tensions – and a new World War beginning. All this start is only because of such a trifle as diapers. All. That is all! End!

CATHERINE. Nothing like that. This is only the end of the first act.

***

 

ACT TWO

SCENE TWELVE.

Diplomat, Catherine and Driver leaned over the maps. Green young man looks at them all in surprise. 

CATHERINE. So, our disposition. Take pencils and report the situation. Where is your King’s residence? Where will his meeting with our Prime Minister take place? What route will his motorcade take?

DIPLOMAT. Can I be sure about your nephew? What, by the way, is his citizenship?

CATHERINE. Citizenship? What is it like for you? You create a mess in a foreign territory. You destroy your diapers anywhere. All with my nephew, everything is fine. He is in the same boat with us.

Diplomat sighs in relief.

DIPLOMAT. Well, then I trust you completely.

Diplomat shows on some point in the map.

DIPLOMAT. This is where the residence of our King is located. The motorcade has already left. Time we have is very short. After a short tour of the city, their meeting with your Prime Minister should take place. The problem is that you cannot just take diapers and hand them over to the King, because that would only be half of the battle. Before meeting with your Prime Minister, our King should meet with a representative of another friendly state, and only after that happened he will be able meet with your Prime Minister. His meeting with a representative of that another state, friendly to both of us, of course, must take place in secret, so that other participants of the current conference do not know about it.

CATHERINE. What kind of nonsense is this? Do you gather at a conference and still have secrets from each other?

DIPLOMAT. This is a common international practice, sorry, madam.

CATHERINE. It all looks ugly from the sidelines. Can a decent woman contact you? Yet – the representative of which friendly country should meet with you?

DIPLOMAT. I assure you. That this is a representative of the country friendly to us.

CATHERINE. I need also to know if the state mentioned friendly to our State.

Diplomat is looking around him.

DIPLOMAT. Let me report this just in your ear.

CATHERINE. I let you.

Diplomat leans over and whispers in Catherine’s ear the name of the state.

(PAUSE.)

Sounds of metronome counts. Catherine thinks a bit.

CATHERINE. Yes! Yes. Well, I think this state is friendly to us as well. Then well, we immediately begin to develop an operation plan. You have a phone, your driver has a phone and I have a phone.

Green young man also takes out and shows off his own phone to everyone.

CATHERINE (Continues). No. Thank you, dear. As long as you are in an illegal position, hiding from those unknown in spacesuits, we will only use you as a technical specialist. Here is a ruler and pencils. Listen to everyone carefully. When my daughter calls, we will find out her whereabouts. You, Mr. Chauffeur…

Driver bows.

DRIVER. Let me to introduce myself.

Driver stands still. Salutes. Takes off the hat and releases his long hair. He appears to be a woman.

DRIVER. I am security forces captain Linda Broom.

CATHERINE. Lord, so you are also a woman! Who brought you to such a condition when you not recognized as a woman?

DRIVER. Secret service, you know, madam.

CATHERINE. Yes, nothing. Very courteous on your part, Ms. Captain. Now let us not be distracted from the main point. A representative of your diplomatic mission… Not a spy I hope.

Everyone shakes heads in denial.

All assure interrupt each other.

ALL. Yes! How can you! How could we!

CATHERINE. … Without too much hype, he will approach my daughter. Without flashing lights and all kinds of sirens! The child is asleep! Tell her the password and pick up the diapers.

DIPLOMAT. Let me to clarify the point. We do not need diapers. We need a package and protocol text printed inside the package.

Catherine looks offended.

CATHERINE. Do you think that in order to preserve the World security, I would regret sacrificing some of my diapers?

DIPLOMAT. By no means did we think so.

Everyone pretend as if they do not think so, confirming his words.

DIPLOMAT (Continues). What is next? We cannot interrupt traffic and interfere in the progress of the motorcade. We have no right to change the King’s route.

CATHERINE. We will not interrupt it. Your representative and representative of that friendly state…

DIPLOMAT. Which is friendly to us too.

CATHERINE. Which is your friendly too. They will meet in neutral territory. Then a representative of that friendly state…

DIPLOMAT. We are friendly too.

CATHERINE. Friendly. He will hurry to the conference and will meet with your King there, as if nothing had happened.

DIPLOMAT. Again, the problem is we have not prepared such a place.

(PAUSE.)

CATHERINE. Today. I declare my apartment. A neutral territory! This is where that diplomatic meeting will take place.

DIPLOMAT. Brilliant. I am excited!

All applause. Restorers shook with dust peek out of the bedroom.

RESTORERS. Would not you let us to use your kitchen to have there our meal?

CATHERINE. Today we have a free zone here, a day of open doors, a World without borders!

Catherine invites everyone in a broad welcoming gesture.

CATHERINE (Continues). Feel home. Do what you want. Is not there any artistic values hidden there in the kitchen?

Restorers laugh.

RESTORERS. Kitchen? It is just a kitchen. No, we are not interested in this. Only in terms of eating.

CATHERINE. Do not disappoint me. The kitchen for me is always such a mystery. That is my mother-in-law’s kitchen. Can you imagine that… and, though… True, it cramped there.

To the room enters an unfamiliar overseas looking gentleman.

OVERSEAS MAN. I am sorry for the intervention, but this kitchen interests me.

CATHERINE. My kitchen? Maybe you mean the kitchen of my mother-in-law.

OVERSEAS MAN. Yes, yours. It is yours now. I flew from overseas with a very important mission that cannot be accomplish without your permission.

CATHERINE. Oh, but do not pay attention to me anymore! A diplomatic mission? I am already used to it here.

OVERSEAS MAN. No, it is generally a family affair. Although, of course, it applies to the state too.

CATHERINE. Which way it applies to me?

OVERSEAS MAN. It seems to me that no one will be offended in this matter.

CATHERINE. I love when everyone is fine. Feel at home, sir, please. When you need assistants, then, on a fee basis, of course, you can use the services of these specialists.

Catherine points to the dust-crushed restorers with sandwiches and milk packages in her hands. The overseas gentleman disappears into the kitchen and from there too, a slam begins to sound.

***

 

 

SCENE THIRTEEN.

 

Sounds of the phone rings. Catherine answers.

CATHERINE. Nina, my dear! How am I doing? Oh, do not ask, please. What about yours? Does our little one sleep? Well then.

Catherine snaps her fingers, giving orders to the security captain to write down her words.

CATHERINE (Continues). Central Park? Yes. The entrance near the stadium? Very good. Are you on the fourth bench from the entrance? Right? Was not I wrong? Now one of my friends will approach you… Yes, a man. So what? Why is it that there have never been men among my acquaintances? There have always been. Chock-full.

Catherine’s daughter answer something we do not hear.

CATHERINE. Do not argue, please. This is not proper time now.

Catherine insists.

CATHERINE. That is not the point now. He will ask you if we are selling a Slavic closet. Why is it that we do not have a Slavic closet? What about that one in the living room? Listen carefully, you will say NO. No, I do not want to sell it. Yes, even if it is black! Then he will ask you if you still have diapers. What does shame have to do with it? You MUST him the package. A blue one. Just do not give him diapers. We need them. Do you understand me? Diapers leave for the child. That is all. Very simple. Will you perform? Yes, yes, let us talk about everything else at home. Of course, I took my medicine. Bye. What, again? Lunch will be on time, do not worry, everything is already boiling even the smoke is going up. Sure, I am kidding like that. Please, call me as frequent as you can. Okay? I kiss you.

Everyone leans over the map again. Diplomat and driver give orders in foreign languages through their phones, poking their pencils excitedly at one point or another on the map. Catherine sits down in her chair and sighs in relief. 

CATHERINE. Oh, it seems to me that I can relax now and straighten out my frozen legs.

Another gentleman enters. He has his glasses and a black tie on, and a folder in his hands. This man is terribly similar to a lawyer, as we know them.

LAWER. I finally found you.

Catherine silently invites him to sit next to her making kind of a Royal generous gesture.

LAWER (Continues). Let us check the data: your diploma number…

Catherine points her finger at the table.

LAWER. Year of graduation from the University. Yes. Approved. The name of the head of the thesis. Aha… Checked. Everything fits fine. Can you tell me the name of your thesis?

CATHERINE. Who are you, in fact, asking me like that?

LAWER. Am I invisible? I am a lawyer.

Lawyer submits his business card to Catherine.

LAWER.  I will protect your interests when it turns out that you are exactly the one figure I am looking for. For this procedure to finish it remains to clarify the name of your thesis.

(PAUSE.)

CATHERINE. This evening we all drink coffee here. Although I can treat you to tea, ice tea or ice water, if you wish.

LAWER. Thank you very much, but not this historical moment. Maybe later I could drink much.

(PAUSE.)

LAWER. Well, let us go. I need to hear it.

CATHERINE. Wait. I do not remember direct precise…

Catherine begins to speak slowly recollecting passed events.

CATHERINE. Excellent students all worked on the creation of new polymers. While I, mostly, dealt with the problem of the decomposition of those polymers.

LAWER. I dare to ask you why.

CATHERINE. I just wanted to irritate them good students. I always wanted to go my way.

Lawyer opens his mouth nodding his head contentedly.

CATHERINE. What?

The voice of the Lawyer sounds with admiration.

LAWER. I hear a wonderful music.

CATHERINE. From my TV-set?

LAWER. No. From your lips.

Catherine rises her brows in astonishment, yet continuing speaking.

CATHERINE (Continues). In addition, it was so convenient. Well, you know how it is in the students’ dormitory. There is always a lot of garbage in there and there is always a problem, who will take it out. Nobody wants to. Then in my bucket it disappeared, leaving behind only a small puddle of water.

LAWYER. Well… and…?

We almost hear the lawyer’s heart beating.

Sounds of heart beatings.

CATHERINE. Well, that is it. I am trying to remember. Seems… The title was like “Accelerated depolymerization process with the biological reverse use of enzymes in the natural cycle.”

(PAUSE.)

CATHERINE.   Something like that.

Lawyer is happily rubbing his hands.

LAWYER. Exactly! Exactly! Twenty years ago, you made a revolutionary breakthrough in solving one of humanity’s greatest problems: How to Neutralize Plastics That Do Not Decompose in Natural Way, and…

CATHERINE. And…?

LAWYER. Now you desperately need my qualified protection!

Catherine seems to be surprised.

CATHERINE. From whom?

LAWYER. Not from Whom, but What. The protection of your profits! Because in many countries, many waste recycling plants already use technologies based on your long-standing discovery! While it is not you who earn money, but completely different people. What, for example, did the professor say when accepting your work?

CATHERINE. He said it was nonsense. He would asset no more than a “C”.

Lawyer shouts gladly.

LAWYER. You see! He patented your invention receiving constant dividends. While that money belongs to you! Can you just imagine what “depolymerization using natural biological enzymes” is for you?

Lawyer fussily takes out some papers from his briefcase.

LAWYER (Continue). That is where our contract is. Please sign it here, and you will not face all the problems associated with the legal service of your invention and the maintenance of your capital, because from now on you are a Rich Person. From this minute, I will have lot of work to the end of my life. Do you agree?

Catherine seems doubt.

CATHERINE. Do you even know what you are doing? Are you quite confident in your actions?

LAWYER. I went to this for ten years. I smelled that something bad smelled good in the dumpsters. God, what a happiness that I was not afraid to cover my boots with manure. With all these trump cards on hand, we will win the process, I have work until the last day of my life in my law firm “Me and My Son”!

CATHERINE. It is nice to hear that. Come again.

While putting papers back in his folder, lawyer asks.

LAWYER Do you have renovation here?

CATHERINE. Oh, then yes, little things. The Academy of Sciences will pay for everything.

LAWYER. Can you go without my services in this?

CATHERINE. Thanks. The State is already paying for everything, and this all, they say, is legal.

LAWYER. I am very glad to hear that. I am very glad.

Lawyer shakes hands with everyone, parting.

LAWYER. See you soon! It seems to me that recycling firms will not dare go to an open lawsuit, but will want to resolve the case amicably by offering us a tidy sum. Do you agree to the amicable option, Mrs. Catherine?

CATHERINE. I agree to this option. I like all to resolve peacefully. I Love it. It is great when everything solved amicably. Even international conflicts, right, Mr. Diplomat?

Diplomat agrees. Lawyer bounces happily.

LAWYER. What happiness! What a customer!

When leaving, lawyer shakes hands with Policeman and tramp in shackles. Although it is not so convenient for tramp to shake hands, but responding to the lawyer’s broad smile, he also smiles. Lawyer puts his business cards into both hands of tramp to be sure he gets them.

(PAUSE)

Policeman politely coughs the way he usually do it.

POLICEMAN. Do not we cause you unnecessary troubles, Madam?

CATHERINE. Oh, no. We are happy for everyone to come to us today.

POLICEMAN. Are you recognize this person, Madam?

Policeman points to Tramp. Catherine answers sadly.

CATHERINE. Oh, yes, of course. It is he. God, what is it, shackles? Remove the shackles from his hands immediately! Free him!

POLICEMAN. Sorry, Madam, this is such an order. As long as no one vouched for him, I had to do that.

Policeman takes off handcuffs from the Tramp’s hands.

POLICEMAN. Here we have another problem. Since this person has no accommodation and work, then for the internal affairs ministry, he is evidently again is a potential criminal.

CATHERINE. I was thinking here. True, not very long. Although I am not sure about my decision yet, but it seems I would let my ex-husband to stay in this house, about a week or so. Of course, if he promise to wash and shave himself. Week after we would decide what to do next. Will the interior affairs ministry agree with such a proposal?

POLICEMAN. Gladly, madam. I am very happy. In fact, you have not seen each other in more than twenty years.

CATHERINE. Twenty.

POLICEMAN. I see this meeting is already happy.

CATHERINE. Let us hope so.

Tramp smiles embarrassedly. Figures in Spacesuits look inside through the door, but noticing the Policeman they retreat quickly. Policeman pays attention to spacesuits appearance.

POLICEMAN. Does not anyone bother you here sometimes, madam?

CATHERINE. No. Thank you, everything is under my control. We are waiting for the report from the operational space. Operation develops successfully. Everyone adheres to the conspiracy. Maybe you will stay with us and drink a cup of coffee? Mrs. Captain is great at making coffee, by the way.

Captain proudly nods. Policeman politely takes off his cap.

POLICEMAN. Thank you, I would love to stay until you get used to each other. Yes, just in case.

This very moment Diplomat excitedly yells into his phone.

DIPLOMAT. Yes, yes… I am listening! Repeat it again! Did the contact take place? Yes! What about the product exchange? Is the blue package there? Aha! Did he get this? Is the message in it? Great! Then proceed to the next stage of the operation. Act according to plan. After the delivery takes place, you come here immediately! I inform about the success our respectable member “X” personally. The next meeting will take place in that five-room apartment in fifteen minutes. Do not waste your time. Act faster!

Restorers come out of the kitchen with the surprised overseas man. They bring out a big electronic device of a strange unknown design.

OVERSEAS MAN. I am sorry, Madam Mistress, but I seem to have found something completely different from what I was looking for here.

Overseas man notices the presence of the Policeman.

OVERSEAS MAN (Continues.). Oh, and the State Authorities are here already. How appropriate it all is.

Policeman rises stay alert.

POLICEMAN. Would you be so kind to tell us what, in fact, is the matter?

OVERSEAS MAN. My grandfather was a very wealthy man. He was a former citizen of your state. He refuges from here during the previous war, hiding in the wall of this kitchen a very valuable historical relic, a piece of gold, with the hope of someday returning and taking advantage of it. There, overseas, he became even richer, and when he died, he bequeathed the local treasure be transferred to your current state. Which I do with pleasure.

Policeman looks at the device.

POLICEMAN. Well, this is it.

OVERSEAS MAN. No, there was an error. I found something else. Apparently, I incorrectly converted inches to centimeters and punched a hole in the wall a little out of there. I will return to continue beating walls in different corners. Now I leave it to you, because I have no idea what it is. In your country, treasures are everywhere here, as far as I see!

Green young man runs up to the device, kneels down in front of it. After some seconds of silence shouts happily.

GREEN YOUNG MAN Finally! For seven hundred and fifty more year I was looking for it. Left without a connection, forced to live in the unnatural, wild conditions of this planet.

Green young man apologizes to those people present.

GREEN YOUNG MAN Sorry, but the conditions you have here are rather extreme, savage.

Tramp scratches the back of his head.  

TRAMP. We are not here with honey.

CATHERINE. Oh, yes, it is true.

POLICE OFFICER. Speaking about our salary – Unnatural conditions of existence, clearly.

Green Young Man, continuing pronouncing some memorized by him formulas, presses some buttons. He shifts the levers. Multi-colored lanterns begin to shine on the device.

GREEN YOUNG MAN. That is it. So simple. I send them warnings. They will come and pick me up from here soon. Thank you, Mrs. Catherine, for taking so good care of my rescue machine, keeping the kitchen clean and tidy with the appropriate thermal regime.

CATHERINE You are welcome, dear. I was even glad to clean my kitchen regularly.

Green Young Man puts on his headphones and listens to something of his own, swaying and falling into a trance. All the rest go back to drink coffee waving their hands at him for goodbye. 

CATHERINE. Oh. Well, he behaves like a kid, right.

Everyone agrees.

CATHERINE. Yes, and let him do. We will not disturb him.

Catherine addresses to Tramp.

CATHERINE. Well, how have you lived during all these years, my missed husband? Why did not you came back?

TRAMP. It was my shame. When I was young, I made some plans, tried to become the first in my trade, and then I lost everything I achieved before and was losing it again continuously.

CATHERINE. So what? You still had to come back. We could live together as before. We do not need much, do we?

TRAMP. Well, you know… Men, ranks, positions… I never had a rank. I drank my talent away. What kind of a man am I now? I wandered, drinking alcohol. You would not be happy with me.

Tramp sighs.

CATHERINE. Who knows? You was not able to return during twenty years. It is a big time. Our Daughter at least will be glad to see you. She used to ask – “Where is my dad, where is my dad?” I had to lie to her. While I hate to lie most! By the way, you have a granddaughter.

TRAMP. Really?

CATHERINE. Maybe you thought, as you broke out of social life, so it stopped. No, man. Life is life as it should be. Children are born, learn, bread up.

TRAMP. Let them do whatever they want just do not drink…

POLICE OFFICER. Yes, many much troubles they would avoid being sober. Coffee is the best hot drink…

DRIVER. Well, do not tell me. Tea – that is the best hot drink. Even without sugar…

Excited Academician runs out of the bedroom.

ACADEMICIAN. Congratulations to all who witness the event! Finally! What a holiday! We found a lost masterpiece, about which there were only fragmentary memories in the letters of the Author’s contemporaries! It seemed as if it had already been lost forever! Nevertheless, you, Mrs. Catherine, having smeared it with paste and plastered it with wallpaper, kept it for posterity, safely preserving it forever. I do not even know how to thank you! On behalf of all the people and of the whole Mankind! Thank you!

CATHERINE. Wait a minute. What are you talking about here for us?

ACADEMICIAN. Twenty years ago were you married to Mr. Lietuvak?

CATHERINE. Yes, I was married to him.

ACADEMICIAN. He was the Artist.

CATHERINE. Well, he tried to become one. You know, in his early youth. Who just do not try to write poetry or draw pictures, or play in some rock-and-roll bands at the beginning of life?

TRAMP. Yes, what artist you are talking about there. That is exactly what I was trying, sure. There were lots of excitements, but no skills. I did not have a school. I did not develop my personal handwriting in time. Senior authorities scolded me for non-compliance with the canons – young painters accused me of insufficient avant-garde. I painted, of course, but who cares about it now?

Academician answers angrily.

ACADEMICIAN School? His own drawing school named after him. Only sixty paintings and forty graphic works of this Master known in the whole World. The cheapest of his works at Sotheby’s catalogue costs one hundred and fourteen thousand Solid British Pounds! While, attention, what do we have here? The whole perfectly preserved non-touched fresco called “My Beloved Woman with Flower in Her Teeth”! The priceless Masterpiece in did!

CATHERINE. I remember it clear. I had just whitewashed the walls, when he came drunk, smeared some fool sketch with gouache and fell asleep beneath it. I diluted that plaster with soap, you know. One just cannot erase it! I had no other options. The other way I would have to tear everything up to the bricks again. That is why I decided to seal it. Speaking of that drawing, however, I do not like it at all: some small flowers and stains…

Academician shouts in terror.

ACADEMICIAN. “You do not like” WHICH drawing?

TRAMP. It implies a pattern of wallpaper. Although the fresco itself is a drawing of a small value, in my opinion. I may agree with you – there is a feeling in that picture, because the painter was really in love with that woman those days.

CATHERINE. Why, just explain me, why you named it “…with a flower in the teeth”? I never understand that. In my opinion, it looked rather like a crooked cow on pasture.

TRAMP. Dear, this is a symbol of fertility. Remember what eloquent eyes she has! True, now I see that everything a little differently…

Academician is strongly impressed.

ACADEMICIAN. What are you talking? How dare you to criticize the drawing of the great Lietuvak?

CATHERINE. Do I dare? I wait when he will stand kneel before me. What? Did not I deserve it?

Tramp sniffs.

TRAMP. You deserve it my dear. You deserve this long time ago.

ACADEMICIAN. No, it makes no sense to talk with profanes about the great Lietuvak.

CATHERINE. Try to speak with him personally.

ACADEMICIAN. How is this possible? After all, he drowned in the Baltic Sea, near Klaipeda City ten years ago.

Tramp laughs.

TRAMP. Contact me. I will pass it on to him.

CATHERINE. Here is he, in front of you.

Academician sits on the floor in desperation. Impressed restorers assistants run out of the kitchen and bedroom to witness the miracle. Diplomat and Driver throw their phones up high and bounce happily, shouting something in foreign languages.

DIPLOMAT and DRIVER. Finally! Everything is settled! Agent “X” had a meeting with our King! Meeting took place! The protocols handed over. Now the enemies will not be able to terrorize us. Their plans disavowed! The international community will finally understand the aspirations of our Country and realize its historical interests. After such outright blackmail, it will be impossible not to reckon with us! Because everyone will understand the loyalty of our policy!

CATHERINE. Do you have any comforting news?

Diplomat is kneeling in front of Catherine.

DIPLOMAT. You saved us. You awarded with the honorary Royalty Title “Savior of the Nation”. Our King has already gave the order to award you. From now on, we declare you Knight! You are honorary citizen of our country with the right for the life use of a section of the Atlantic coast and jungle of total six hundred hectares. Our small but proud country will never forget what you did to us!

Catherine addresses to Diplomat.

CATHERINE. I did what I could.

Catherine addresses to Tramp.

CATHERINE. How do you feel about the climate of the Atlantic coast?

TRAMP. I need to consult with my doctors. Although, after spending the nights under the bridge, it seems that any climate will suit me.

Catherine and Tramp both laugh. Academician lovely examines the right hand of Tramp.

ACADEMICIAN. With this very hand the artistic masterpiece was created which all the Humanity now proud of!

TRAMP. By the way, there under the bridge I have painted five more frescoes. Some of them indeed are quite interesting, as for my own taste.  Mr. Policeman knows the place well.

Academician shouts.

ACADEMICIAN. Where are they? Get us there immediately!

Academician addresses to Policeman.

ACADEMICIAN. Have you personally seen those works?

POLICEMAN. I was present there at all the stages of their creation. Moreover, I have accurately documented the days precisely when the master was moving away from his productive work process.

ACADEMICIAN. You and I should write a University textbook about it! Let me be your co-author, please.

Policeman takes on his cap, scratches his neck.

POLICEMAN. I need to think about it, weigh the pros and cons, to consult with my art community. You know, I am not alone in panting that training ground.

Diplomat loudly orders.

DIPLOMAT. Champagne!

Servants enter. Servants pour the glasses with champagne. This very moment Lawyer runs in, waving packages of shares.

LAWYER. Mrs. Catherine, from today you are among the first hundred richest people in the World. You own all these shares and many more that my hands did not reach, yet, but which I will bring you in my teeth, because they belong to you by the Right of Ownership!

Catherine gestures dismissing the lawyer. She is whispering with tramp.

People in spacesuits picked up their helmets and drink champagne together with all the rest.

Two green people come down from the ceiling, take off the headphones from the green young man and begin to hug him joyfully. They also have champagne.  People in spacesuits inspect the devices of the aliens with interest and have a lively conversation with their owners. Glasses with champagne in their hands make the conversation peaceful and, at times, even fun.

***

 

 

SCENE FOURTEEN.

 

Sounds of fanfares heard. There are additional servants enter. They roll out red carpet and bring baskets of flowers.  Behind the two standard-bearers enters the King.   Diplomat and Driver bow low.   Everyone else salutes with glasses up. King shouts excitedly.

KING. Where is she? Where is this divine Lady, the Savior of the Nation? We informed that she is lonely! We need wise Queen for quite a long time.  Mrs. Catherine, would you agree to become the Queen of our small but proud country?  I, the great King, kneel before you, offering you my hand and my heart. Take pity on us, we are so abandoned without your wise guidance, as if we were wandering in the dark.

CATHERINE. I would probably considered your proposal half an hour ago, but now…

Catherine points to tramp.

CATHERINE. Maybe you will choose freedom again, my Freelance Artist.

TRAMP. I have already made my choice. Still, come on, I would not say it until you give an answer to the king.

Catherine shrugs her shoulders towards the king. King understandingly nods his head positively.

TRAMP. Do you agree to accept again your prodigal worthless man who has always loved you?

Academician wrings his hands in despair.

ACADEMICIAN What do I hear? Ugh, what does this Big Man say about himself?

Catherine shifts her gaze from one to another.

CATHERINE. The fact is your Majesty that you and I are not familiar much while I rarely marry little-known people.

King removes his crown from his head.

KING. Your will, Madam. Give us at least the pleasure of having you as our gest and as honorary citizen of our small, still, so proud country?

CATHERINE. Consent. I accept your offer. I think that in the summer our grandchildren will be comfortable there. By the way, do not you have any prince there?

King speaks aloud joyfully.

KING Prince? We have two of them there! Both are such hooligans, I do not know exactly what to do with them.

CATHERINE. Oh, that is not a problem. From now on, they are in the safe hands of my daughter.

Sounds of the phone ringing. Catherine answers the phone.

CATHERINE. Yes, it is I, my daughter. Are you already going home? What did I do? Yes, nothing… Is lunch ready?

Catherine turns to the audience.

CATHERINE. Lunch! What a horror! We completely forgot about this. Your Majesty, do you know how to peel potatoes?

King immediately begin to roll up his sleeves.

KING. Sure I do.

CATHERINE. You, Mr. Diplomat, will you be able to boil milk?

DIPLOMAT. It would be better if Mr. Academician execute this task.

ACADEMICIAN. Why always me? My specialization is Modern Art!

DIPLOMAT. The milk boiling process requires thoroughness and endurance. Do you know how important it is to adhere to the exact dose of all the ingredients?

DRIVER. The difficult and responsible task is to keep the proper temperature regime!

Catherine girded with an apron.

CATHERINE. Stop you chatting! Rather go to the kitchen. We will figure out who will do what, because there is very little time left!

All quickly disappear in the kitchen. From there, making hard way through the oncoming crowd comes out Overseas Man with a large golden cup in his hands. Overseas Man addresses to the audience.

OVERSEAS MAN Would you tell me, please, where the local authorities are here? I must fulfill my grandfather’s will and transfer this treasure to the local state. …No? Do not you know? Hey, and you also? What am I going to do with all this? I ask you people to help me. Well, at least someone? Maybe you, young man? Also, no. It is so strange. What kind of proud nation, these Ukrainians are? Nobody wants even gold here anymore…

 

CURTAIN

 

 

 

 

 

 

Volodymyr Serdiuk. Pension Affairs. Play.

huzul@ukr.net

+380677825685