Я: А, так… Ви ж тут записуєте ветеранів до війська?
СЕРЖАНТ: Так, пане. Ваше військове звання?
Я: Старший сержант.
СЕРЖАНТ: Військова спеціальність?
Я: ПВО.
СЕРЖАНТ: Що..?
Я: Протиповітряна оборона.
СЕРЖАНТ: Тобто, ППО?
Я: Так.
СЕРЖАНТ: Ваш вік?
Я: У моєму військовому квитку зазначено, якою зброєю я володію.
СЕРЖАНТ: Скільки вам років, тільки точно?
Я: Шістдесят п’ять. Sex-TY Five, знаєте.
СЕРЖАНТ: З усією повагою до вас, пане, вам би краще вже відпочивати вдома у цьому віці.
Я: Та я нормальний ветеран. Казали, ніби ви берете ветеранів у першу чергу.
СЕРЖАНТ: Ветеранів АТО і ССО.
Я: А радянської армії? Ми що, не ветерани, хіба!?
СЕРЖАНТ: Я виконую інструкції.
Я: Чорт! Зустрів би я тебе біля Жовтої Ріки в тисяча дев’ятсот сімдесят четвертому – ти би сам переконався, який з мене вправний стрілець!
СЕРЖАНТ: Я тоді ще навіть не народився.
Я: Їппі..!
СЕРЖАНТ: Тримайте себе в руках, пане.
Я: Я не сказав нічого образливого!
СЕРЖАНТ: Окрім «їппі». Це ж ви мені сказали.
Я: Та це, коли танцюєш бугі, а твій напомажений кок трясеться на твоїй голові.
СЕРЖАНТ: Звучить образливо.
Я: Та нічого образливого. Ми, зазвичай, так і виглядали в ті часи.
СЕРЖАНТ: Зрозумів. То було за часів джинсів «Піраміда».
Я: Ні. Ще раніше. За часів штанів «дзвони» 36 сантиметрів завширшки, що шилися вручну.
СЕРЖАНТ: До речі, в нашій країні немає жодної Жовтої Ріки.
Я: Та ж так. То на Далекому Сході.
СЕРЖАНТ: Вибачте мене, пане, але сучасне військо обійдеться без вас.
Я: Чому?
СЕРЖАНТ: Тому що, коли вже я вас не розумію, схоже ніхто з інших вояків теж не зможе зрозуміти вас.
Я: То й що..?
СЕРЖАНТ: Це становитиме деяку проблему спілкування з вами у полі. Так мені здається.
Я: Тобто, ви не дасте мені навіть якогось іржавого AK-47..?
СЕРЖАНТ: Ні, пане.
Я: Але ж я згоден…
СЕРЖАНТ: Прошу, наступний!
Уся черга з чоловіків ступила крок уперед.
Вони не випхали мене з приймальні таким чином.
Я сам, добровільно, вийшов назовні
Тривав другий день розширеної російської військової агресії проти України. 25 лютого 2022 року, Київ.
Перед входом до приймальні я побачив якогось, значно старшого за себе ветерана. Він намагався осідлати велосипеда, і впав разом з ним. Я допоміг йому підвестися і запропонував пігулку «Каптопрес-Дарниця».
SHE – a designer, a petty woman in sunglasses, in a T-shirt and sports pants. Both hands of her bandaged.
Scene: Kyiv, Ukraine, a living room of a city apartment, with a computer, sofa, and TV, which simultaneously serves as a resting place and a place of work for two creative personalities, a designer and a playwright during the wide Russian military invasion of 2022.
ACT ONE.
SCENE ONE.
Sounds melody of the song “Singing in the Rain”.
The light is blinking. Flash sparkles outside the window are visible. In an instant, an explosion roared.
SHE: What is this?
HE: Another Russian rocket.
SHE: Where is it?
HE: Under the town of Brovary.
SHE: How do you know where?
HE: I look out the window.
SHE: Our World has gone crazy?
HE: A long time ago.
SHE: On the twenty-fourth of February, of the two thousand and twenty-two?
HE: No. As early as the twenty-third of February, two thousand and fourteen.
SHE: We were lucky the rockets haven’t fallen near here before…
HE: ..”You can write about pressure”?.. What kind of offer is that?..
SHE: They invite you to a festival competition again?..
HE: Yes. No. Some kind of creative competition without festivity. Someone came up with a theme: “Write a play on the topic of PRESSURE…”
SHE: And what?..
HE: “… and we will select the best works”, – they say, – “publish them in a separate collection, and the three main winners will receive awards…”
SHE: Amounts of the prize are..?
HE: Not specified.
SHE: Don’t write.
HE: Why?
SHE: Don’t waste your time on nonsense.
HE: But it is a kind of competition…
SHE: What competition?! With whom do you need to compete?!
HE: I don’t know. The letter with the offer came to me personally. At my address, in my post-box.
SHE: But you don’t know the participants in this kind of so-called “competition”, do you?
HE: No, I don’t know.
SHE: You don’t know the reward amount for the winner, do you?
HE: No, I don’t know.
SHE: Don’t you know the organizers of this “God knows what”, do you?
HE: No, I don’t know.
SHE: Although you still know very well that the organizers of this so-called “competition” themselves will be announced as winners…
HE: Well, not necessarily that primitive way, I suppose?
SHE: Or the husbands and wives of the organizers of this “competition”…
HE: Yes… But it stimulates me…
SHE: What exactly motivates you such much?
HE: They came up with a theme and they are going to compete. To organize, I mean.
SHE: WHO are you going to compete with?
HE: I do not know… But Sherstiuk will definitely put something on of his own plays.
SHE: Shut up!
HE: Even so…
SHE: And what do you get out of that?
HE: I will write better than he can for sure…
SHE: And will you get the first prize?
HE: I will get it…
SHE: Without even knowing what the amount of the prize could be?
HE: Well, the situation in the country is very difficult now, it is hard with money – they could give at least something, and then, you know…
SHE: I would not let my husband be humiliated in this way!
HE: How do I suppose to BE HUMILIATED, dear?
SHE: You are ready to write anything for anyone, and even free all your days and nights!
HE: But… It is an exciting topic…
SHE: Which one?
HE: Pressure.
SHE: Are you concerned about the topic of pressure?
HE: Not really am…
SHE: Can’t you come up with a theme for your next play by yourself?
HE: I can… But it’s always that hard, to find a topic, to come up with a name…
SHE: Of course, you’ve been neglecting my request to write an essay based on my mom’s biography for eight last years!
HE: …A play on the theme of a mother-in-law?..
SHE: My mother! She is the widow of a military man! Her husband – my dad – was a hero!
HE: Oh, about this kind of pressure…
SHE: And on which side do you feel the pressure: on my part, or on the part of my mother, in whose apartment we live now?!
HE: We live here temporarily…
SHE: Ha! There is nothing more permanent than all this kind of “temporary”!
HE: And so I will write. Decisively. Pressure is mine. Someone lives under pressure, and my pressure lives inside me. 147/100! …Half of the Captopress pill, a full Corvalment pill, and a… Wait…
(Searches around.)
HE(Continues.): … I will find it. Here. I found! That is Eureka! And still, once again, I immediately forgot the name of a play I had just invented…
SHE: This is because of me..?
HE: No, darling, I forgot it all by myself. Because I haven’t approved this topic to myself, I haven’t experienced it, I haven’t gotten along with it.
SHE: With her…?
HE: With the subject… (Rummaging through his pockets.)
SCENE TWO.
The same. In the previous place.
(The light flashes. A flash sparkles outside the window. A roaring of an explosion.)
SHE: Oh, God?!
HE: No, it’s not Him. It’s another Russian missile.
SHE: Where did it fall?
HE: Somewhere near Vasylkiv.
SHE: How can you be sure of that?
HE: It can be to the South of us, somewhere near the Odessa Highway.
SHE: They’re idiots?
HE: They’re beasts.
SHE: They say Putin deceived by his advisers.
HE: Hardly. If so, all the Russians are fooled.
SHE: I’m afraid of explosions.
HE(Rummages in his pockets): Lipstick..? Why is there lipstick in my pockets?!
SHE: Oh, dear Mother, where am I?!
HE: What’s that?
SHE: Don’t make me laugh.
HE: Aha, it’s not lipstick – it’s the fudge! Okay.
SHE: And you don’t have to hint to me that I’m not preparing dinner.
HE: But what were these pills called – the third ones? I have to consume three of them.
SHE: “Glitzysed”!
HE: Who calls the pills this way? Recollecting the name of your pills you can have a stroke from that tension.
SHE: Nobody dies here pronouncing the name of the drugs.
HE(Swallows his pills. Drinks some water. Rests a bit.)
(PAUSE.)
HE: (Continues.)Actually, I was previously writing another play, but I noticed the announcement: “The playwrights’ theater could be your chance for opening. Send us two pages of your text written specifically to the Playwrights Theater – for the PRESSURE presentation. Then you can be a new discovery! Why not give it a try?”
SHE: Are you asking me? Oh! I’m shocked. At last, I’m being consulted on creative issues.
HE: “Dear Playwrights Theater, do you understand that you are my first customer?” And… E… AE. AE. The pressure increases. I’m trying to navigate how many years…
SHE: “Darling, how many years in a row does my creative inaction last?”
SHE: “… my beloved, or the girl I would like to fall in love with, my boss, the doorman in front of the restaurant door, the policeman who led me somewhere… But anyone could ignite me with some idea, and I followed them like a little calf…”
HE: When was it that someone would come to me with a suggestion?
SHE: I approached you with an offer!
HE: Why so that I would take you to my apartment?
SHE: Well… Is this a suggestion, is it?
HE: Pancake is gleeful! Don’t give me sugar!
SHE: Where do you have sugar? I drink your coffee without sugar for the third day in a row, but it turns out, in fact – you do have sugar!
HE: Full of sugar is Vermouth.
SHE: What is Vermouth?
HE: That’s what you drink!
SHE: It’s “Martini.”
HE: …Let it be… (He sits down in a “lotus” pose, and exposes his fingers in front of him, trying to calm down.)
SHE: Martini.
HE: Okay. I’m a marten – and you’re a seagull. PRESSURE!!!
SHE: What is “pressure”?
HE: It needs to be knocked down.
SHE: Are you an anti-aircraft gunner?
HE: No. I am hypertensive.
SHE: Oh, come on, are we all just going to calm down?
HE: I’m calm. I’m trying to get into this new play of mine.
SHE: And I’m calm. Where’s your sugar?
HE: This wayI was referring to my pressure!!!
SCENE THREE.
The same. Ibid.
(The light flashes. A flash sparkles outside the window. A roaring explosion.)
SHE (Covered with a blanket.): So what was that? Did that Russian rocket hit us?
HE: No, it did not hit us.
SHE: Why are you so sure of that?
HE: If it hit us, we would not have heard anything, and we would not have felt anything.
SHE: And where did it hit?
HE: It looks like it hits some building near the Central Railway station.
SHE: Do you think so?
HE: I see this directly through the glass of our window.
SHE: Mother of God, when will this stop?
HE: They say they have two thousand similar missiles.
SHE: And how many have they already shot to us?
HE: I do not know. They shoot in many cities, not only in Kyiv.
SHE: Is there anything you can do to prevent the Russians from shooting at us?
HE: We need to put international pressure on Moscow. Maybe then Russians could stop their war against Ukraine.
SHE: Do you have a weapon..?
HE: No. I do not have a weapon.
SHE: You must buy yourself some guns.
HE: Why?
SHE: To kill the Russians when they come.
HE: There are a lot of them…
SHE: I know, but only a few Russians will come through our door inside with their desire to kill you and rape me, and eventually kill me too.
HE: The government does not allow us to own guns.
SHE: Why?
HE: The government believes that with weapons in our hands, we will take to the streets and kill each other mostly.
SHE: Why would we have to kill each other when at this time Russian missiles are destroying our cities? After the Russian tanks rush into our cities and destroy the remains of our houses, Russian soldiers come after their tanks to kill all of us.
HE: I do not know. The government governs us and relies on its advisers’ advice.
SHE: Is our government protect itself the same way?
HE: Yes, our Government is guarded by enough quantity of armed men.
SHE: Then some of us here obviously went crazy.
HE: Who?
SHE: The Russians. Our Government. Their Advisers. Maybe you and me?
HE: You reason logically. I understand your logic. I suppose, you and I so far are definitely not crazy.
SHE: So, are you going to buy a gun?
HE: Do you really want me to buy myself a weapon?
SHE: I want to.
HE: I do not think one should spend money on weapons.
SHE: Having our limited financial resources, they say, we must not.
HE: I’ll wait for the time when automatic assault rifles are wallowing in the streets.
SHE: And could that happen even here?
HE: Maybe, though, it’s not guaranteed that it’s bound to happen.
SHE: And how are we supposed to live in those wild conditions?
HE: In order not to scramble against the machine guns on the sidewalks, people will push them aside with their feet, making room for themselves to pass.
SHE: And you…?
HE: And I’ll pick up a couple of guns for myself, and bring them home.
SHE: And then our apartment..?
HE: Be turned into a long-term firing point.
SHE: We will defend ourselves against the Russians! We will shoot from our balcony, we will shoot from the windows in the living room and from the window in the kitchen!
HE: I’m afraid, darling, that instead of that we’ll be sitting in the bathroom without a hitch for a while.
SHE: Holding the defense?!
HE: No, waiting for the end of the Russian air ride.
SHE: You have to provide our family with weapons!
HE: Against whom?
SHE: Against our enemies!
(PAUSE.)
SHE (Continues): … Are you hesitant?
HE: No. Weigher never hesitate.
SHE: Hesitant weigher.
HE: Could be this and that.
SHE: Do you want to offend me again? I am not too fat. I am slim.
HE: I will weigh that issue, but you don’t put pressure on me, okay?
SHE: What does the pressure have to do with it? Don’t distract my attention – you just said: that you have sugar.
HE: Yes. Sugar.
SHE: Well?
HE: And when the percentage of sugar in the blood continues to rise, it provokes high blood pressure.
SHE: So what?
HE: And it puts dark in my eyes.
SHE: I already see everything through the twilight here.
HE: It is blue.
SHE: And I see it gray.
HE: Because you walk around here having your sunglasses on.
SHE: Why?
HE: Because you were skiing in Protasiv Yar on your snowboard. And after that you returned home all wet, having your sucks around your neck. Without a hat! You wore the other man’s ski pants, and when I informed you about it, you replied that you could not go home in underwear because you were in undercover!!! Because of the glitter of the too white snow, you got “night blindness”!
SHE: And you! (Bites her tongue.)
(PAUSE.)
SHE (Continues.): And I got “snow blindness”! Not a night one!!! You are an annoying chauvinist man! There are other individuals next to you here. Individuals with a different vision of the world, with a different position, with different inclinations, with a different orientation! There is nothing funny about that!!!
HE: I’ll remember that.
SHE: Write it to yourself somewhere!
HE: About whom?
SHE: Me.
HE: Can’t you write it down for yourself?
SHE: Nope!
HE: Why..?
SHE: Because my hands are bandaged.
HE: That is because I put bandages on you, and I advised you to wear sunglasses.
SHE: Well…?
HE: And you haven’t dumped them since then.
SHE: Because I have my right!
HE: Okay-okay…
SHE: Don’t put your pressure on me!
HE: What pressure can I put pressure on you?
SHE: You looked at me after snowboarding in such a way if I owe you!
HE: No, no, no. Wait. It’s my pressure.
SHE: Which one?
HE: Blood pressure.
SHE: Which group?
HE: I don’t know. It is pressing – and that’s it.
SHE: It’s you who put pressure on me!
HE: Me..?
SHE: You!
HE: I can’t put pressure on you. I meet you for the first time in my life just two hours ago. You came to me wet and I invited you to dry your clothes…
SHE: I know these tricks! Undress, dear, we will dry all your clothes. And then – bam! I’m already wandering somewhere in the middle of the city, having wet men’s ski pants on!
SCENE FOUR.
The same. Ibid.
(The light flashes. A flash sparkles outside the window. A roaring explosion comes.)
SHE: Are we still alive..?
HE: Yes, you heard the explosion.
SHE: That is, “not ours”…
HE: This Russian missile hit someone else.
SHE: And where did that someone else live?!
HE: It looks like it happens somewhere behind Vyshgorod.
SHE: Is Kyiv so small that we hear explosions of the Russian missiles falling all the way somewhere in the suburbs of the city?!
HE: No. It is just the missiles are so powerful that their explosions are heard from afar.
SHE: And what are they called?
HE: Differently. But I imagine that each of them is “Satan.”
SHE: Some a diabolical name…?
HE: The Russians are aware that by killing Ukrainians they are doing the job of the devil.
SHE: Put a cross on you.
HE: Why?
SHE: You’ve uttered bad words twice.
HE: Which of them?
SHE: …Satan and devil…
HE: Now you have to put a cross on you.
SHE: I am not a churchgoer.
HE: Russian rockets do not care.
SHE: Then I’ll put a cross on me.
(Both impose on them cross signs.)
HE: I understand you. You need to lower the pressure too.
SHE: Martini.
HE: Okay, martini. There’s still one in the locker.
SHE: And coffee must be with sugar!
HE: I’ll look out.
SHE: What were you doing here when I came?!
HE: I wrote a play…
SHE: Are you a scribe? Are you no longer an anti-aircraft gunner? And you are already not a tank destroyer?!
HE: No, dear. I’m not a fighter. You entered…
SHE: Appeared. Ladies show up.
HE: Yes, yes, wonderful, amazingly appeared…
SHE: So what?
HE: I wrote another play all by myself then. Lonely.
SHE: And now?
HE: Oh! Now I am writing a play with you.
SHE: WHATOOH?!!!
HE: Oh, sorry, about you. You finally showed up…
SHE: As a genius of pure beauty..?
HE: Absolutely. Can I lie down a little bit..?
SHE: What did you write?
HE: That was the play: “A UFO does not fall twice into the same place.”
SHE: Who is the author?
HE: Me.
SHE: Who am I?
HE: Well, it depends…
SHE: From what?
HE: From whom? From the Author.
SHE: And..?
HE: This is a play by Volodymyr Serdiuk.
SHE: With the characters?
HE: Yes, there are several actors out there.
SHE: What characters?
HE: Well, if from the outside of the alien starship – then: Taxi Driver, Policeman, Beauty from the Bar…
SHE: It’s me.
HE: Priest…
SHE: It’s you.
HE: And inside the alien starship – there: Female alien…
SHE: It’s me.
HE: Male alien…
SHE: It’s you.
HE: Alien leader…
SHE: What kind of bullshit is that?! Where on the other planet do you find a leader? Cheerleader, maybe?
HE: A Tiger Cub…
SHE: Oh, the Tiger Cub is good.
HE: ALiving iguana…
SHE: That is me again.
HE: Dead iguana with two bitten-off legs…
SHE: It cannot be!!!! (Looks at her bandaged hands.) WHERE am I?!!
(The next Russian missile explodes. The light goes out.)
A LOUD VOICE SOUNDS OUT OF NOWHERE: “The pressure is rising! Please dredge the hatches! Until the next solar system – the flight will last the next two hundred years. Good night!”
Russian bombardment of Ukraine
(A nice tune heard. A theme from the movie “A 2001 Space Odyssey.”)
(Man addresses a barwoman standing in dark behind the bar.)
… Hello! It smells like coffee here! Do you still have coffee when it disappeared everywhere in Kyiv already?
Really? You DO HAVE coffee? That is big luck! In the other establishments now there is a serious problem with coffee – it is gone all over. Moreover, we do not wait for another delivery, unfortunately. Our city is almost blocked from all round – from the side of Vasylkiv Town, from the side of Brovary Town, from the side of Troyeshchyna, and from the side of Obolon Districts, there are battles everywhere, both near Vyshgorod Town and on the Warsaw Highway also…
Yesterday in Troyeshchyna district where I live traders distributed their goods to people for free. They were giving away vegetables, potatoes, and fruits. All of the sellers shared their goods for nothing: Uzbeks, Georgians, and Azerbaijanis, all distributed fruits and vegetables for free. Because on February 25, 2022, someone dissolved a rumor that Russians will occupy Kyiv soon. I asked a Georgian friend why he was giving away his goods free. “I must get rid of them totally as soon as possible,” he replied.
“You are a trader, this is your specialty,” I reminded him, “Who else will stand in the market instead of you?”
“I am a warrior now,” replied the trader, “Responsibility for the goods burdens me. It is a responsibility and respect for those who have grown these fruits. I cannot just leave them to rot. I will now give it to the people who need them so that they can survive the blockade of Kyiv City by the Russians.”
“And where will you go?”
“To the army.”
“To which army?”
“Do not you understand the Ukrainian language? To the Armed Forces of Ukraine!”
“Your Homeland is Georgia.”
“I know. However, my Homeland is Ukraine also. I once got married here; I already gave birth to my children. Ukraine sheltered me in my bad times. Now I will be able to repay my debt to Ukraine.”
“Ukrainians say: to fulfill your duty…”
“I’ll do it, Father.” – He stressed, – “Now it is clearly seen that we have a common enemy, and not only in Georgia and Ukraine. Russia is the enemy of Europe, and of the entire civilized World.”
(PAUSE)
… That day eggs from the Vasylkiv Town poultry factory were sold in Kyiv for half the price. The Russians bombed the local poultry farms, so people took the eggs wherever they could, closer, to Kyiv than to Kyiv.
I purchased four egg trays at once. The vendors helped me wrap the trays with adhesive tape and I carried them home.
I hope that by the time of the liberation of Kyiv by the Ukrainian Army, I will have enough of them. I only eat them once a day.
(PAUSE)
… No, this is the first time I pay a visit to you. Usually, I drink coffee near my house. Not close to my house – about one and a half kilometers away.
Why do I go there? First, my doctor ordered me to go for walks every day.
I asked, “Doctor, what is the purpose of this walking?”
He answers, “For the sake of your own health. Go for a walk every day.”
“But I can’t walk so easily, without a goal. I need a goal, doctor, to get out of the house. I’m already at the age when I don’t want to leave the house.”
“So you come up with a goal for yourself,” the doctor says.
“That is another problem for me!”
“What do you love,” the doctor asks.
“Coffee,” I say.
“So set a goal to take a walk to the coffee shop every day, which is away from you, drink coffee there, and return home.”
“What distance, should I walk?”
“Ten thousand steps. And it’s not around the house or yard, but with an accelerated step, in a good mood – because where you go, delicious coffee always awaits you!”
“May I have coffee?”
“Once a day you can. It won’t get worse,” he says.
(PAUSE)
Therefore, I go as he advised. In addition, since the beginning of the war, I have been calling these walks “my patrolling”, and “my shift”.
I go around the local area and look at what, where, and how. I patrol without weapons, of course. With a mobile phone and a flashlight. I also wanted to carry an electric shocker with me. I could also carry a pistol with rubber bullets. Then I thought to myself, “When I am going to start shooting at the Russians from a distance of ten meters I will be definitely dead. They will shoot me for sure with machine guns and behind the explosions of Russian racket missiles no one will be able to hear that there is such a crackle of machine gun shots.”
Is it more confident to be with weapons?
I doubt. I visited several warehouses and military registration and enlistment offices and asked at least for a Makarov pistol, if not a Kalashnikov assault rifle. They did not give me it.
Why?
“You are an old man already”, they say. Yes, I am already sixty-five. Although, I would still have managed to finish two or three Moscow invaders.
How did it end?
Well, like that – I also went to the district police stations. I shouted there: “The President promised to distribute weapons to everyone so that they could only show a passport with a local residence permit!”
Did I seek weapons for myself more actively?
Sure, I did. I myself walked for the machine gun at the address in Kyiv – Polar Street, No. 1, as soon as I heard the announcement of President Petro Poroshenko on television. However, the message was broadcast in the evening, it was already dark. Therefore, I went there in the morning. The city transport was not working, and I was walking. Still, by the time I reached Obolon District walking, a Russian military armored column had already traveled around the territory of that plant, and I got to the center of the battle before I even reached the factory warehouses on Polar Street. I fell, and whimpered past the wall, for the shooting there broke out in earnest.
A Russian armored car moved the car of one pensioner. Some Russian soldiers were dressed in uniforms from the Armed Forces of Ukraine.
What: “What, what”?
Do you ask what happened to the pensioner? Pensioners are immortal. That pensioner climbed out of his flattened “Zaporozhets” shabby car and joined a group of local Ukrainian bandits who had already beaten Russian soldiers, put them on the ground, and disarmed them! Cossacks, one word! What can I say? Armed guards from the nearest warehouses came in, Ukrainian National Guardsmen – and the rest of the Russian Soldiers were killed right there. Everything happened surprisingly quickly and in our favor.
That day, I was convinced that Ukrainians would defeat the Russian army and repel the armed invasion of Russian invaders.
(PAUSE)
So, day after day everywhere in official institutions they answered me: “We heard,” they say, “we ourselves heard the President’s speech on TV but for us personally, direct instructions have not yet been sent. You go home. Staying at home there will be more benefit from you.”
I say, “I’m already patrolling my area. Twice a day and twice a night. Give me at least the phone number of some of your officers on duty so that I can tell them when I will find something suspicious. This war is popular. All people should make their efforts to achieve victory as soon as possible.”
They gave me their telephone number. As I found suspicious marks on the sidewalk, which were not there yesterday, I tried to inform the police – because what if they were the signs of the aiming points for the Russian missiles? There, with fluorescent paint, some painted some kind of a big circle and arrows. They say it glows. Maybe rockets hit houses, focusing on such signs.
What happened next? Autoresponder asked me to press another button, you know. The inability to get through happened. The impossibility to connect to my officer happened. One cannot speak to the machine, right?
Uh, because they gave me a common police phone number. I just can imagine how many hundreds of calls go to the general police phone number every hour.
(PAUSE)
Did I give up? No. I am a cunning warrior. I took two kilograms of apples, and a couple of carrots, and went to the nearest police station. I wanted also to carry coffee in a thermos to them, and then I thought about it – what if they still think that I had poured some poison on them there? They will not take it. Because there have already been cases of poisoning of our soldiers by Russian traitors. Then I only carried them apples and carrots.
Police officers asked, “Why do you bring us this?”
I say, “On the night watch you will chew, it will drive away sleep. I did this before the exams when I was studying. When you cannot sleep at night, because tomorrow morning you have your exam – you chew hard – your head shakes, and drowsiness passes.”
You can still use nuts for the purpose, but I did not have nuts then.
Of course, they gladly took my gift after such a professional explanation. For two days I delivered gifts to them, until the shift supervisor said, “Okay, old man, I’m giving you a combat phone.” This way he gave me a piece of paper with a phone number.
“And who’s going to answer me there?” I asked.
“I will answer,” said the shift supervisor, “personally I will answer you.”
“So it’s really a battle phone?”
“Really,” he says.
I tell him, “I know discipline – I won’t bother you once again. Only in the case of emergencies.”
“Call and call,” the captain replies. “As you are already on duty with us…”
“I’m patrolling!”
“As you are already patrolling, you can count on the immediate arrival of a mobile group on your call.”
“By my warning,” I emphasize.
“Yes, we are already with you, like our own. Don’t be shy,” the captain laughed.
(PAUSE)
…You have delicious coffee here. Thanks. No, I am not on patrol right now. I am returning from the territorial defense headquarters of our district. They enlisted me for the TRO.
Of course, they took me! So far, they have written me down to the reserve #112 Separate Battalion of the Kyiv Territorial Defense.
The nickname I was given is “Mushroom 9.”
…You may laugh. Laugh, please. This is not because I am already an “old mushroom”, but because the platoon to which I joined is a platoon with the name “Mushrooms”.
(PAUSE)
To make it even funnier, I will tell you that those headquarters officers there are without imagination and fantasy, well, in general! When I submitted the questionnaire to the headquarters, well, they were about
– Do I have a driver’s license,
– What weapons I can operate,
– Whether I served in the army,
– In what position do I serve,
– What where and how much?
– Was it active service?
– I had to indicate the phone number, and who to inform in case of my possible death.
Well, and all sorts of such tufts. I happened to talk there with one elderly gentleman-volunteer, similar to my age. I asked him about his affairs, and complained about the shameful name of my combat unit – “MUSHROOMS”!
Then he answers me: “Mushrooms” is OK! Here, I was recorded in the platoon “TICKS”!
What bad luck for the boys! How they would then tell their nearest: “…I used to serve in the “Ticks” platoon, my dear granddaughter…”
Is it not funny? Why?
Because ticks suck blood?
Logically! They can suck a lot of blood from the Russian invaders!
Mushrooms, then what?
Mushrooms could be poisonous. Exactly! Right, my daughter! Death to the Ruzi invaders!
Oh! I feel your respect me now. Do not tell me, “Coffee is free now!” Please, do not. I am still able to pay for coffee myself!
Do you do it with respect for I enlisted in the Ukrainian Territorial Defence?
Good. But only this time. I cheer you with this coffee cup because it will not do saluting sitting. That is, they do not salute being armed or with their bare head.
You have a very good place here. Gamarjoba!
(PAUSE)
How this is only possible: “… you don’t know what Gamarjoba means”? This is in Georgian. So what if you are not Georgian? Do you speak Georgian? You don’t speak the Georgian Language? Nevertheless, you do honor Georgia? That is enough. That is commendable.
“What does Georgia have to do with you?” – Look, there you have the Georgian Flag in your place.
How can you ask “where”? There! On the wall!
Yes, it is the Georgian Flag. Here is the cross of St. George on it. Central. It symbolizes Jesus, and the four smaller ones are dedicated to his four Evangelists. Those small crosses under the auspices of a large central one symbolize the unification of all the lands of Georgia under the auspices of Tbilisi Capital City.
This is the real Battle Flag – because it is painted in blood. Like the whole history of Georgia… Yet, those red crosses, are Courage, Justice, Love, and Unity.
Georgians – they are like that!
(PAUSE)
“Gamarjoba” means “I wish Victory to you, my friend!” What a wonderful combat greeting. If all Ukrainians could greet each other this way every day, we would have long ago defeated our enemy.
“Gamarjoba, genatsvale!”, “Win, my soul!”
(PAUSE)
… So this, you say, your boss decorated the hall with the Georgian flag? It would be interesting for me to talk to him.
Is he not in Kyiv now? No? I understand that life has scattered us. Yes. And that damned current war. I apologize for saying so. Do you say he has been living abroad for a long time, and you have never seen him personally? What? Even now, he sees me on his own computer screen. How wonderful it is!
(Phone is ringing. The man picks up the phone from the bar.)
… congratulations. Your café has good coffee, thank you. Still, excuse me, I wonder what exactly connects you so much to Georgia that you honor their flag, sir.
… It is Shroma who taught you to respect Georgians..?
… My war schools were Tskhinval and Kodori… There we learned quickly because at the beginning it was difficult to recognize who was the enemy – and who was not. And later then it was easy to distinguish – all those who were against Georgia stood for Russia.
Yes – Sakartvelo. I apologize. Sakartvelo.
Sakartvelo forever! And the combat unit of the UNA-UNSO “Argo” is my family.
I am Lelyo by my nickname. Oh!!! So it’s you Nail! We have not met, but I have heard a lot there and then about you. We fought hard. Glory to the Nation!
“Death to the Enemies!”
I served a prison sentence in Ukraine after returning from Georgia.
For what?
For “mercenary” and “participation in illegal armed groups abroad.”
At that time, the Russian FSB really managed our Ukrainian “internal bodies”, unfortunately.
How are you? Are you staying in France? Wonderfully. Someday, as soon as the opportunity arises, I will come to Paris. Will you show me the city? Okay? …But do not regret so much that you are not currently fighting in Ukraine against the Russians. Now half of the World helps us to fight back against the Russian army. There are Georgian volunteer battalions on the territory of Ukraine. Georgians fight for Ukraine too.
What?
…You say the years bend our backs but confirm the idea that raised us all to previous battle: “After Georgia, the Russians will definitely attack Ukraine. So we must help Georgia now defend its independence with our weapons in our hands!”
What…?
Yes, so happens – the enemies have come to Ukraine. Now they will not run away from us.
Two men in uniform, one a Ukrainian Soldier the other a Marine Captain
Two men in white togas
Two persons – a Doctor and a Nurse
(All may be the same two Actors dressed in different costumes.)
SETTINGS:
The stage is empty and dark.
Lights are dim. Only the Main Characters are readily visible.
We see nothing behind the actors, nor before them.
SCENE ONE
SOLDIER (Shouts into the darkness): Ahoy, there! Captain! There, in the ferry!
CAPTAIN: Hey.
SOLDIER: Sailor to sailor!
CAPTAIN: I see you clearly.
SOLDIER: What place is that?
CAPTAIN: Planet Earth.
SOLDIER: Inside or outside?
CAPTAIN: Upside down.
SOLDIER: As it always was during that damned War.
CAPTAIN: Don’t be startled by Wars. They happen often.
SOLDIER: Your wisdom is too familiar to me.
CAPTAIN: Some things will never change.
SOLDIER: Will you take me north?
CAPTAIN: Do you have a coin, man?
SOLDIER: Yes, pressed between my jaws.
CAPTAIN: All right. Then why not?
SOLDIER: I used to be a sailor, too.
CAPTAIN: Really?
SOLDIER: Yes. Somewhere far from here – near the Arctic Circle.
CAPTAIN: I’ll witness, it’s cold enough there.
SOLDIER: One can imagine!
CAPTAIN: And it’s dark.
SOLDIER: So what? I got used to these conditions while sailing there.
CAPTAIN: You people are very funny, always telling me big stories.
SOLDIER: Tell that to the sailors.
CAPTAIN: You’re a newcomer, I suppose. A foreigner, I see?
SOLDIER: I am that.
CAPTAIN: A refugee?
SOLDIER: A soldier.
CAPTAIN: For the sake of Hercules, what brought you here?
PAUSE.
(Lights out. When lights return we see both men equally in white togas. Charon holds an oar in his hand.)
SOLDIER: I am not from these parts.
CHARON: I see. What is the aim of your visit?
SOLDIER: My daughter’s wedding here in Amsterdam.
CHARON: Do you believe you are in Amsterdam?
SOLDIER: Where else, in the name of God?
CHARON: Quite nice to hear that. What is the groom’s name?
SOLDIER: Niels.
CHARON: You mean the one in the folk tale who encountered Gooey the Giant?
SOLDIER: Another one, even wiser, I think.
CHARON: How is life there in general? Are prices high? What about the currency rate exchange?
SOLDIER: Do you think I know?
CHARON: They say it’s hard to amass capital in these days of instability.
SOLDIER: No. It’s vice versa – everything I see there is rather cheap.
CHARON: How could that be?
SOLDIER: Ministers, government people, salaries, cities, buildings, people’s lives – all blown sky-high, ruined and scattered on the wind for half price. Practically for nothing.
CHARON: What country did you leave?
SOLDIER: Ukraine.
CHARON: A rich land, I have heard.
SOLDIER: War finished that.
CHARON: War against whom? There are many tribes living in Europe.
SOLDIER: Russians.
CHARON: Do they come so far?
SOLDIER: Our neighbors are our curse.
CHARON: Shit happens. Did you fight?
SOLDIER: Still fighting now.
CHARON: Is this so hard?
SOLDIER: They outnumber us by too many.
CHARON: Were you good there? In War, I mean.
SOLDIER: Oh, yes, I cut many of them up there.
CHARON: What happened to you this time?
SOLDIER: There was an unexpected flash of light. It was as if I were flying. And now I am here.
CHARON: Do you feel pain?
SOLDIER: Not at all. I feel great joy. I killed my enemies.
CHARON: Not all of them yet.
SOLDIER: I know. My brothers continue and are close to finishing the job.
CHARON: Was it hard to fight the intruders there?
SOLDIER: Yes, it was hard standing up to them. War itself is hard.
CHARON: Are you able to go on rest and recuperation from the front lines?
SOLDIER: There are rotations, yes. When they draw you back from the front lines. But not for long.
CHARON: Then they put you back in the trenches again without proper rest?
SOLDIER: Shit happens, you know. You’ll never be happy. No matter what happens. One of my brothers came to Bukovina for a seven-day vacation from the front line. And what do you think? He’s now organizing a funeral for his wife’s cousin who was shot by the Russians at that same front line back there, near Donetsk City.
CHARON: What a sad coincidence.
SOLDIER: These are not coincidences. War follows us whenever we go.
CHARON: My condolences. So, it may happen in the future that your brother will have to bury you during his short home leave.
SOLDIER: Why would he bury me? I must first be killed before I am buried!
CHARON: And?
SOLDIER: Obviously, I’m still alive!
CHARON: It’s just a guess.
SOLDIER: Please, never guess in wartime! Just go out and fight! Who told you he would be burying me! That’s damned nonsense!
CHARON: Please accept my apologies, my man! The tongue contains no bones, as you know.
SOLDIER: I have nothing against you personally. It’s just that I’m against being killed and taking on rigor mortis!
(Both laugh)
CHARON: You’re talkative. I like to talk.
SOLDIER: Like every sailor.
CHARON: Right.
SOLDIER: What about the other passengers?
CHARON: They’re motionless. They don’t talk a lot.
SOLDIER: I am glad. At last, you have met a polyglot.
CHARON: That happens sometimes. Not often.
SOLDIER: Still, was there anyone among them like me?
CHARON: Even worse. One was here for three days. I called him Tusitala, the Teller of Tales.
SOLDIER: I know his books! I know his name! Robert Louis Stevenson!
CHARON: What does the word “books” means?
SOLDIER: A stack of printed pages.
CHARON: I see. A mountain of pride.
SOLDIER: He was a masterful writer though.
CHARON: As were his conversations when he was here.
SOLDIER: So, you decide who goes, and who stays?
CHARON: Not quite. I can only stop them. Nothing more.
SOLDIER: Still, it’s is a big deal. You did not do well by me today. But I feel you are a good man.
CHARON: Like every man.
SOLDIER: Not on the average.
CHARON: We all have families and children – among them we behave.
SOLDIER: Agreed. Our duties tells us to be brave.
CHARON: Yes… However, what duties?
SOLDIER: Yours, for example – to carry men and baggage.
CHARON: Baggage, not so much. Mostly men. They come here like children. With their toys in hand, and dressed so strangely.
SOLDIER: Did you notice that too? They are naked as if going to take a bath or something.
CHARON: Yes, I’m used to seeing them this way. I never ask for explanations.
SOLDIER: That doesn’t concern me. You are speaking to me. Explain it.
CHARON: You are a sailor. You all are talkative.
SOLDIER: Oh, yes!
CHARON: How long do your journeys usually last? Where were you headed?
SOLDIER: For a half a year, or even nine months and a half. Mainly to the North. Where the fish are.
CHARON: It depends on the winds…
SOLDIER: We can sail against the wind.
CHARON: Come now! You must be kidding. How can a sail work against its nature? When your sail catches the wind, your vessel will move only in that direction.
SOLDIER: We use machines to move.
CHARON: Machines to sail? Your words are obscure.
SOLDIER: Machines moved us to the brink of our limitations.
CHARON: I knew there was nothing good in those inventions.
SOLDIER: Yes, not always. Atomic bombs are pure evil.
CHARON: What bombs? What are they like?
SOLDIER: Like a Greek conflagration, you know. Just multiplied by the millions.
CHARON: Are you a mathematician? You speak of digits.
SOLDIER: No. I cannot even multiply. I use my digital telephone to count.
CHARON: A telephone is for listening!
SOLDIER: Oh well, nowadays “telephone” is just a word for another device.
CHARON: Okay. So, how many of you were on board when sailing?
SOLDIER: There were twenty of us.
CHARON: Come now! Who moved the machines then? Don’t say it was steam? That is awkward!
SOLDIER: Our fuel is called diesel. And there’s another word: solar.
CHARON: Finally. So, the sun still exists.
SOLDIER: Oh yes. And it’s a heavy one in the south of Ukraine.
CHARON: Speak slowly now. Are people using solar energy now?
SOLDIER: For quite a long time.
CHARON: Explain this so that I understand – the sun beats on us. That is all the sun does. How one can use that energy?
SOLDIER: I don’t know. For you to understand it – imagine the sun heating a table, for example…
CHARON: Okay.
SOLDIER: This part is warm.
CHARON: Okay.
SOLDIER: That part is cold.
CHARON: Of course.
SOLDIER: The difference in the temperature between the parts increases.
CHARON: So it is.
SOLDIER: The contrast between them produces energy.
CHARON: You can retain that?
SOLDIER: In storage.
CHARON: And then what?
SOLDIER: When you need it, you free it, and it moves the gears in motors that move ships.
CHARON: Sheeps?
SOLDIER: No. Sheeps are moved by politicians. Sea vessels are moved by machines that drive propellers.
CHARON: No sails?
SOLDIER: No sails.
CHARON: No oars?
SOLDIER: They still exist for sports.
CHARON: What a relief – they still exist. It’s nice to hear you have such sophisticated means there.
SOLDIER: They also kill us…
CHARON: Evidently, since you are here. But, thanks to them you lived an easy life before.
SOLDIER: To some extent.
CHARON: To this very extent right here. To these very Dire Straits.
(Both laugh.)
CHARON: I will tell you something – in this darkness and with things such a mess, I may not take aboard some souls. I may refuse.
SOLDIER: How does your manager react to that?
CHARON: There are many, and they often forget their own commands and commandments. Still, I do not like their decision to put me here in darkness.
SOLDIER: I know how you feel. There, in the south of Ukraine, the ground is like stone and they constantly order us to dig in our trucks. And you know what? The next day we leave that place and sleep in the trucks while moving.
CHARON: Does that make you angry?
SOLDIER: No. But why did they make dig trenches before marching on?
CHARON: No logic.
SOLDIER: None at all.
CHARON: That’s the way Wars go. So. Go away now.
SOLDIER: Why? I thought we had a deal?
CHARON: About what?
SOLDIER: About helping me cross the river.
CHARON: Not even my own foot ever touched the opposite bank of that river.
SOLDIER: So… I must return to survive another ordeal again, something that I already experienced?
CHARON: Don’t you worry. There will be no suffering in the end.
SOLDIER: Are you sure?
CHARON: The ancient Greeks knew this well.
SOLDIER: Our elders warned us of great pain.
CHARON: No, I tell you. The last moments of every death are ecstatic.
SOLDIER: What the hell? That’s nonsense!
CHARON: Pain will lift your spirit before your soul shall fly.
SOLDIER: How is that?
CHARON: You will feel the joy of expecting happiness.
SOLDIER: Are you lying to me?
CHARON: My decision is that I shall not let you disappear there in the darkness.
SOLDIER: But I must!
CHARON: Who told you that? I am in charge here. Go, now. Return to where you belong.
SOLDIER: Shall we meet again? I like our talks.
CHARON: As do I. We shall meet some day.
SOLDIER: And for now?
CHARON: Now you are free. Forget the fairytales you heard about me.
SOLDIER: What else can you say?
CHARON: Try twice as hard in everything you do there. Try your very best.
SOLDIER: Will we win?
CHARON: You will win.
SCENE THREE
On stage – a hospital operation room. Bright light. Blood. Dirt. An unexpected loud cry.
DOCTOR: Here he is. Here he is. Alive. May you live a long life, soldier.
(Nurse catches Doctor from behind, stopping him from falling. Helps him sit on chair.)
NURSE: Thank you, doctor. You have done the impossible. You have accomplished an impossible operation.
DOCTOR: I did my best. I am tired.
NURSE: Why did he cry out so hard? He was under deep anesthesia.
DOCTOR: The brain functions even under anesthesia. We do not know what places his soul visited as he crossed over to the other side. We do not know what circles of hell he passed through on his journey back here.
NURSE: They who return, often say they felt better there.
DOCTOR: Well, this world is far from ideal, am I not right?
NURSE: Oh, yes, you are right.
DOCTOR: Probably, because of that, he felt better being there.
NURSE: As if he were finally at home.
DOCTOR: All are but visitors who inhabit this world.
DOCTOR(mumbling): What an old jackass that Charon is. He’s joking again… it’s not the first time… I hope it won’t be the last.
ЧИ Я ЗАСТАРИЙ ДЛЯ ВІЙНИ?
